When to Walk Away From a One-Sided Friendship

Not every friendship ends because someone did something unforgivable. Sometimes it just dawns on you that you’re the one who’s been doing all the heavy lifting. You text first. Initiate plans. Offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Somewhere along the way, the care and effort may have stopped flowing in both directions.

That realization can sting, especially when it comes to someone who’s been a close confidante for a long time. You might even wonder whether you’re being needy, expecting too much or if the friendship means as much to them as it does to you. But friendships aren’t meant to leave you feeling consistently unseen, unappreciated or like you’re carrying it on your own. While no friendship is perfectly balanced all the time, a healthy one feels mutually caring over the long run.

Before deciding whether it’s time to end the friendship, MyLifetime spoke with clinical experts to understand when a friendship is one-sided. Plus, psychologists’ guidance on whether the relationship deserves one more chance.

A one-sided friendship often comes down to one thing: imbalance, according to Marisa G. Franco, PhD, a professor, friendship expert and the author of Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment. 

Dr. Franco says the clearest sign is that you tend to initiate all contact with this person. Whether it’s for a casual check-in or making plans, you’re almost always the one to make the first move. While your friend may be responsive, they hardly ever do the reaching-out themselves.

There could also be an element of mindfulness that’s missing. “Perhaps you're intentional about doing thoughtful things for them,” Dr. Franco tells MyLifetime. “Maybe that’s getting them a birthday gift or taking them out for that promotion, and you don’t necessarily get the same.” 

Robin Hamilton, LCMFT, a licensed clinical psychotherapist and relationship therapist, says while you show up to celebrate and support them, perhaps they only contact you when there’s something that they need—like a favor, money or simply someone to dump their problems on. Over time, you may notice that you're the one consistently giving, while they rarely—or never—return the same effort. Such instances could lead you to feel taken for granted and not valued as a friend.

Of course, everyone goes through busy seasons, and a temporary imbalance doesn’t automatically mean a friendship is one-sided. The concern comes when the imbalance starts to feel like the relationship’s new normal.

To give the friendship a fighting chance, you’ll have to bring the issue to your friend’s attention. The discomfort in that might make you cringe. You may worry about sounding needy, making things awkward or damaging the friendship altogether. But avoiding the conversation often gives hurt and resentment more room to grow, Dr. Franco says, which is sure to lead to the friendship’s demise. “It’s key to raise the issue before you decide to end it and give them a chance to repair it,” she tells MyLifetime.

Dr. Franco recommends the best way to go about the conversation is to affirm the friendship, identify what the challenge is and ask for what you want. 

Try to stay calm and focus on how the friendship has made you feel, rather than keeping score or listing every grievance. Hamilton suggests using statements beginning with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’—the latter of which tends to put people on the defense.

Here’s a script for what this might sound like in practice: 

“I really value our friendship, which is why I reach out often and initiate plans. I notice that I tend to be the one to do these things, and sometimes it hurts. It would mean a lot to me if this were reciprocated more. Is that something you’d be open to?”

Then pause.

As tempting as it might be to fill the silence or defend yourself, give your friend room to respond. Hamilton says, “Listen to them openly, even if you do not agree with what they are saying. Hearing them out can build a better understanding of their perspective, and can promote a more balanced friendship.”

Once you’ve raised your concerns, how your friend responds will indicate whether it’s still worth investing your time and effort. “You should give the friendship one more chance if the other person is working on fixing the issue, especially if the friendship had previously been healthy,” Hamilton tells MyLifetime. 

Another green flag is when they take responsibility and accountability for how their behavior has affected you. If their actions match their words, you’re on the right path.

Dr. Franco says another reason to give the friendship one more chance is if you’re simply on different timelines, but the love is still there. Perhaps your friend is in the midst of a busy season at work or raising a newborn, and they genuinely have less bandwidth to devote to the friendship. That doesn’t give them a free pass to ditch you, but it could signal that it’s worth revising your expectations for the friendship. For example, you might be used to hanging out weekly, but they now only have the time to meet up once a month. If they protect that time for you and show up to the best of their ability, it communicates they still value the friendship and are making an effort to nurture it.

It may be best to end the friendship if you’ve expressed your needs, given your friend an opportunity to repair the relationship and nothing has changed. This is especially true if the friendship consistently leaves you feeling anxious, drained or unworthy. 

If you decide to formally end things, Hamilton advises leading a conversation with clarity and respect. “Be honest, avoid arguing and accept their response no matter what it is,” she says.

This might sound like: 

“I mentioned that I haven’t been feeling valued in our friendship, and I notice that things haven’t changed. This has been painful, and I don’t think this dynamic is healthy for me anymore. I’ll always cherish the good times we’ve had, but I think it’s best for us to part ways.”

On the other hand, Dr. Franco says that you don’t necessarily need to have a formal “breakup.” Instead, you can let the friendship simply fizzle out. This could be the better route if you share a long history, they haven’t done anything egregious and you’re willing to accept a new iteration of the relationship. 

The same goes if you share mutual friends and a split could cause tension for everyone—yourself included—in your group. Allowing your friendship to drift into a more casual relationship can help you avoid further hurt, not to mention keep the door open should life bring you back together down the road.

Not every friendship is meant to last forever, and that doesn’t erase what it meant during the season when it thrived. Sometimes the best thing you can do is acknowledge that the situation has changed. Whether you work through the imbalance or allow the friendship to settle into a less intimate place, remember that you deserve relationships where you feel valued, supported and cared for in return.