6 Signs Your Partner Might Be Cheating, According to Couples Therapists

You can’t put your finger on it, but lately your partner has seemed…different. It’s the question no one wants to ask, but you’ve felt it surface: Could they be cheating? 

The gut notion may be worth listening to—but that alone isn’t the same thing as proof. “Stress, grief, and a new job can all create distance and distraction that mimics an affair,” Lisa Chen, LMFT, a couples psychotherapist in California, tells MyLifetime. Changes in your partner’s behavior can simply be a sign of something else they’re dealing with.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, a board-certified sex researcher and sex and couples therapist, adds that depression, work pressure, and illness—as well as secrets like gambling, excessive spending or drug use—can all have characteristics that can look like an affair. 

So, too, can simply growing apart, or differences in attachment styles. “Even things improving in the relationship, growing closer and milestones can trigger fears if your partner has an avoidant attachment style,” Dr. Nelson tells MyLifetime. 

Our own relationship history can also shape how we experience uncertainty. Slow down and get curious about what you’re actually noticing so you can decide what to do next.

Ahead, these clinical experts detail key patterns that may warrant a closer look. Plus: the healthiest way to address your suspicions, and what to do if your partner confirms they’ve been unfaithful

Chen believes the single biggest sign of cheating isn’t any specific behavior. Instead, it’s a palpable change from your partner’s baseline, paired with guardedness. “If you’re starting to notice a cluster of signs arriving at the same time and staying for a while, it might be cause for concern—especially if you see secrecy, defensiveness and emotional withdrawal all occurring together,” she says.

While none of the following signs guarantee cheating, each may potentially signal that something’s amiss.

According to Chen, one behavior that can be worth paying attention to is when your partner suddenly becomes much more protective of their phone. That could look like placing their phone only face down, having it on them at all times (even in the bathroom), only taking calls privately or changing their passcode. The important distinction is whether this is a meaningful change from their typical phone behavior.

Pay attention to whether your partner becomes more distant—or on the flipside, more engaged than before. “Withdrawal is one sign everyone expects, but there can also be a sudden increase of attention,” Chen explains. “That sudden surge of affection may be the result of guilt or affair excitement bleeding into their primary relationship.” 

Dr. Nelson agrees, saying this can present emotionally, sexually and otherwise. “Sometimes people become unexpectedly generous when they are managing their guilt,” she says. “Or your partner could start trying new things or act differently in bed.

If your partner doesn’t communicate clearly about what they’re doing or where they’re going, that may be a subtle sign of cheating. Timelines could also be suspicious, or they may frequently trip up over details of their plans. “Any follow-up questions might be met with some irritation from your partner,” Chen adds.

Picking fights for no apparent reason could be another sign that your partner is cheating. And if they suddenly start rewriting the history of your relationship—making statements along the lines of, “You’ve never been happy,” or asserting that the pairing has always been negative—it can be especially destabilizing if that doesn't match your experience. “This happens because it’s easier for the partner to justify betrayal if the relationship is bad,” Chen explains.

Physical changes—like getting in shape or buying new clothes—could also signal that your partner is stepping outside of the relationship. While plenty of people invest in their appearance, Chen says that these changes might point to an affair if your partner makes them without any clear reason, if it’s unlike them to care much about their looks or if it occurs alongside other changes like increased secrecy or emotional distance.

Again, some of the aforementioned signs could point to something else that’s going on in your partner’s life, like stress from work or a health issue that they’re dealing with. “The key difference is that a stressed-out partner is typically relieved and happy when you ask what’s wrong,” Chen shares. 

On the other hand, a cheating partner will often avoid this question, tiptoe around it, or turn the table back on you.

It’s human to be tempted to listen in on your partner’s conversations or pore through their texts or emails. 

Still, snooping is unlikely to give you the clarity you’re looking for—and can hatch new problems. “You might find fragments without context. When you confront your partner, the argument becomes about your snooping instead of their behavior,” Chen says.

That said, she notes there are exceptions—and that’s when you suspect your safety could be at risk, whether that pertains to your sexual health, finances or physical well-being. In these situations, she advises seeking guidance from an experienced therapist or lawyer.

If you’ve noticed several signs suggesting your partner is cheating, your best course of action is to start a conversation—not an interrogation. To increase the chances of them being forthcoming, Dr. Nelson suggests leading the discussion with the narrative you’ve been making up and how it’s been affecting you. For example, this could sound like: “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately, and I’m wondering if something has changed between us. The story I make up is that you might not be happy, or that I’m somehow responsible for you being distant.”

According to Dr. Nelson, this approach doesn’t mean that you’re crazy or inventing misgivings. “Instead, it means you are seeing things through your own lens and you want to understand their narrative,” she says. The goal isn’t to force a confession, but rather to create space for mutual openness.

In addition, Chen says that it’s important to pay attention to their response. “A partner with nothing to hide may be hurt by the question, but then work to reassure you,” she says. “But stonewalling, anger or turning it around on you are red flags.” 

On the other hand, green flags include them showing willingness to engage with your concerns, answer reasonable questions and help you understand why something feels off.

The way in which you voice your suspicions can have an outsized influence on how things unfold. That said, do your best to stay grounded, avoid the blame game and be genuinely open to what they have to say. “Even if there has been an affair, how you begin this conversation often shapes the future—whether you choose to work on healing, and whether or not it will even be possible,” Dr. Nelson says.