Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair? 2 Relationship Experts Weigh In

Maybe you were suspicious when your husband started pulling late nights at the office. Or perhaps your spouse discovered your infidelity from a mutual acquaintance. However it got out, the result is the same: The revelation of an affair will likely throw a marriage into turmoil. The betrayed partner is hurt, trust has been broken and the relationship is hanging on by a thread.

But you could also see this moment as an inflection point: Can your marriage continue in some way—and, in some cases, be all the stronger for it? Or would it be better for both of you to go your separate ways? There’s a lot on the line here, especially if you have kids. But even if you don’t, there are still implications to consider, since your finances and property might be bound up together. 

Here’s what psychotherapy experts specializing in relationship counseling suggest is worth considering when you’re weighing your choices.

It’s hard to say with certainty that any one thing will increase the chances of your marriage pulling through. After all, the odds of restoring a happy marriage can depend on factors such as “a couple has a strong marriage to begin with, if the affair was short- or long-term, if there have been other affairs and how committed the couple is to their relationship surviving,” Toni Coleman, LCSW, a psychotherapist and relationship coach who also serves as a divorce mediator, tells MyLifetime.

One place to start is by communicating. Both partners need to be able to talk candidly about what went wrong, according to Tina Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist and the author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together. “Radical honesty and openness are required,” Dr. Tessina tells MyLifetime.

That said, the onus to be accountable is on the person who had the affair. Coleman believes you will be more likely to reconcile if they “disclose it fully, are open to answering all questions and doing the work that will be required, and show genuine remorse for the affair.”

Another variable is what might have led to the affair in the first place. This is not encouragement to beat yourself up if you’re the betrayed party, but it may be helpful to understand that in some cases, people look elsewhere if they’re not getting something they need—physical affection, for instance—from their marriage. That can lead to finger-pointing when you’re trying to understand why an affair happened in the first place. 

“Give up blaming each other, and work together to fix whatever was wrong between them in the first place,” Dr. Tessina suggests. 

If you can instead focus on repairing and renewing your relationship, then it may be more likely that your marriage will make it.

When you’re picking up the pieces after an affair, it can be hard to figure out what you want your marriage to look like. Dr. Tessina tells MyLifetime the biggest thing to recognize is that the status quo isn’t cutting it, and an affair is a symptom of that. 

“If one partner is a chronic cheater, then the relationship will never work,” she says. “If both partners sincerely mean they want to fix what’s wrong, and are willing to work together at fixing it, the relationship can not only survive, but thrive—and both of you will learn and grow in your understanding of what relationships are all about.”

The exact path your relationship takes after that can vary from couple to couple, according to Coleman. For some people, the relationship gets all the new energy and attention needed to make things work—which then drops off, returning it to the same old habits. If this happens, that can signal that your marriage might not, in fact, survive. 

“Old anger and mistrust can and do surface, and these couples often come back into counseling,” Coleman says.

Others, meanwhile, find the discovery of an affair and consequent fallout traumatic enough, and are satisfied to settle back into their typical routine—just now with a mutual understanding.

The timeline often depends on the root of the affair. “If the affair was short-term and the straying partner is willing to end it and work on the relationship—and if the cheated-on partner is willing to forgive if the problems are fixed—trust can be rebuilt, but it’s not quick,” Dr. Tessina says.

In general, the experts say, it can take months, if not years. After all, the person who was cheated on might have many emotions to process before they can reach acceptance and start to rebuild. 

For that reason, Coleman estimates that it can take at least a year for most to regain a sense of trust.

Walking away from a marriage can feel like a logistical (not to mention an emotional) challenge, especially if you’re the spouse who’s been betrayed and didn’t see it coming. But in certain cases, it can be worth it. 

For starters, if the person who had the affair has zero remorse, a history of infidelity or even rekindles the affair in some way, then you deserve more. In the same vein, both parties need to work together to repair the marriage. “If you both can’t be emotionally responsible and recognize that the infidelity is a symptom of a relationship that’s lacking true partnership and communication,” then you might not be able to commit to fixing it, Dr. Tessina says.

Especially if you have kids together, it might be difficult to imagine the end of your marriage as you knew it. Dr. Tessina notes it’s important to prioritize what’s healthy for your family. “It’s possible to let the relationship morph into a connection that is not romantic,” she says, “but still a family for the sake of the children.”