Dating After Divorce in Your 40s and Beyond: What You Need to Know, From Experts

Wading back into dating after ending a relationship you thought would last forever can seem daunting no matter your circumstances. But when you haven’t tried to meet someone new in years, contemporary dating can feel like diving into the deep end when you’re just trying to dip a toe in the baby pool. 

Licensed psychologist Linda Baggett, Ph.D., reminds MyLifetime that a relationship is, of course, not a requirement for a life well-lived. That said, she notes, as intimidating as dating can seem, a good relationship—“good” being the operative word here—can add a lot to your life. “It provides support, companionship, a true partner, sexual intimacy, exposure to a new social circle, a travel buddy, etc.,” Dr. Baggett says. 

If you’re ready to date after divorce and explore new connections, but also feel a little hesitant to give out your number or download a dating app, Dr. Baggett and licensed mental health counselor Julie Newman, LMHC-D outlines a few things to anticipate before you give it a shot.

Newman, whose practice specializes in relationship counseling, tells MyLifetime that recovering from a divorce can be a long, unpredictable process—one that requires time and a lot of self-reflection. It’s better to have done that before you get back out there, she suggests. Take a beat “to understand what happened in your marriage, acknowledge the patterns you contributed to, and process the grief, anger or betrayal you may still be experiencing.”

Dr. Baggett tells MyLifetime, “It's incredibly risky to jump back into dating before doing this work, especially if you have noticed unhealthy patterns in relationships.” 

She says therapy can be helpful, and “the work” in that forum “often requires unlearning unhelpful things or learning new skills.” 

That doesn’t mean you have to be 100% healed of your faults or over your ex in order to start dating again. But gaining self-awareness can help you recognize those dynamics and prevent you from repeating the same mistakes in a brand-new partnership. 

First, you have to want to date.

“You need to feel like you can make the space for a new person,” Dr. Baggett says. “If the motive is you can't tolerate feeling lonely or needing financial support, these are not conducive to a healthy relationship. But if it's because you genuinely want someone in your life again, go for it.” 

If your friends are encouraging you to get back out there or you’re just trying to one-up your ex, those aren’t strong, self-motivated foundations to make a healthy connection.

Once you feel an authentic desire for a relationship, Newman says you can create opportunities to make that happen: Update your dating profile. Set a goal to go out on one date a week just to have dinner and a few laughs, and invest in things that will make you feel attractive, like a new hairstyle, a few cute outfits or just some fun new lip gloss. 

Also, keep in mind that some of the best romantic connections still happen offline. Prioritize dates with girlfriends; agree to attend the fundraiser a pal invited you to. Avoid the temptation to stay home just because it’s the easy choice. Getting out creates inherent opportunities to meet new people.

“Dating doesn’t need to become your entire life,” Newman tells MyLifetime, “but finding a partner usually requires intentional time and consistent effort.”

Even if you feel confident in your career and friendships, divorce can do a number on your self-esteem, leaving you questioning your identity, your choices and your future. Dr. Baggett stresses the importance of finding ways to boost your own self-esteem beyond, say, physical appearance or what you can do for a partner. 

“It doesn't need to be perfect—nobody has perfect self-esteem—but going into dating with low self-esteem is emotionally dangerous,” she explains. 

You’re at a higher risk of being mistreated, for one, and the impact of that mistreatment can cause even greater hurt, in a period when the goal is to build your strength and self-confidence again. On top of that, “there's just a lot of rejection in the dating process and it's important to be able to not take this personally,” Dr. Baggett says. “It can make you feel worse about yourself.” 

Try re-engaging with an activity you used to enjoy or were talented at. This can help establish an identity that’s not reliant on anybody but yourself. Spending time with your strengths or passions can help you regain your sense of autonomy and confidence so you can enter a new relationship feeling fully at ease with yourself. 

Make a pledge to yourself to set aside time to stick with it, even if you click with someone new.

If you’re not into swiping, there are other ways to meet people, too. “Tell friends you’re open to being set up, keep a list of date ideas on your phone, and consider expanding the distance you're willing to travel to meet someone,” Newman says. 

Also, even without the motive of meeting someone new, dedicate time to expanding your social circle, whether through activities like volunteering—which can introduce you to people in your local community—or getting involved in professional events that can introduce you to people in your industry.

Women rise to challenges—but don’t let a prospective partner feel like one of them. Dating shouldn’t make you feel like you need to perform. “It’s easy to enter a date focused on making a good impression or proving that you’re desirable,” Newman says.

She recommends reframing your date by being genuinely curious about the person you’re meeting. “Ask follow-up questions, remember details they share, and check in later about important updates,” she says. ”Most people want to feel seen, understood, and appreciated.” That can do more to create a solid connection rather than just trying to seem extra funny, flirty, or successful.

Warning signs can be tricky to identify in any relationship, but especially when you’re coming out of a marriage. Some might even be your own red flags. 

For instance, depending on where you are in your self-esteem journey, “it can be tempting to over-accommodate, minimize your needs or shape yourself around the other person, especially when you’re excited about finding partnership again,” Newman says. She stresses noticing when you’re saying “yes” when you mean (or want to say) “no,” ignoring concerns just because you don’t want to start from square one, or becoming overly focused on the new person you’re dating. Those are all signs that you might not be ready.

Your date might have some red flags of their own, too. If the person pushes you when you say no—even to little things, like declining a second drink on a date—or if you don’t feel respected, “there’s no chance of a healthy relationship,” Dr. Baggett says.

Ultimately, whether you’re hoping to keep things casual or would rather find someone to settle down with, dating after divorce comes down to being in tune with yourself. Dating “isn’t only about finding someone who likes you,” Newman says. “It’s also about staying connected to your own needs, boundaries and instincts, while deciding whether you genuinely like them.”