‘Should I Break Up with My Friend?’ 7 Signs It’s Time to End a Friendship, According to Therapists

We’ve all had our share of friendships that fade out, but there was one I chose to formally end. It was with Taylor (name changed), and years ago, she was the first friend I made when I moved to a new city. 

Taylor quickly became a close confidante and invited me into her circle of friends. We grew close in the same pandemic pod, shared countless dinner dates, and celebrated a few holidays together.

By and large, Taylor was a great friend: sweet, supportive and fun to be around. But after a few years had passed, I noticed that I was the one always initiating contact—like checking in for life updates, sending memes and asking to get together. 

A couple of times, I calmly raised this with her. No awkwardness or tension followed—but neither did change. As the pattern continued, it began to weigh on me. The problem wasn’t necessarily a fault of her character or explicit actions. It was that I told her what I needed, nothing changed, and eventually I had to stop asking the relationship to be something it wasn’t. 

When Taylor finally did text me to get together—in what I realized was the first time in six months—I knew I couldn’t continue to pretend damage hadn’t been done.

I told her I wasn’t confident in our friendship. I reiterated the pain I felt from feeling ignored after raising my concerns multiple times, and, as I’d been dealing with a bout of depression, I shared that the state of my mental health couldn’t let these dynamics continue. I said I still loved and cared for her, and that she had always otherwise been an incredible friend, but that I simply didn’t feel secure enough to go on with our relationship. 

She responded by saying that she respected my feelings, apologized for making me feel undervalued, and also recognized that we operate differently and likely needed different things out of the friendship.

There can come a point when ending a friendship can be a relief to your inner peace. If you’re discerning through some version of this, keep reading for three expert therapists’ guidance on how to move forward while being a loyal friend to yourself.

Maybe you’re the one who sends every “thinking about you!” text, or reaches out to celebrate every milestone—and you realize the road doesn’t go both ways. While this doesn’t always indicate that your friend is selfish, it does signal that you’re carrying unequal weight, which can wear on you over time and make you feel less valued.

If it comes to a point when you question whether your friendship would even exist if you stopped initiating, something is clearly amiss. “Healthy friendship requires both connection and mutuality,” Barbie Atkinson, LPC-S, a psychotherapist who specializes in friendship therapy, tells MyLifetime.

Some friendships can leave you feeling less-than, whether the friend actively brings you down or the dynamics are simply unhealthy. “If criticism, negativity, manipulation or competition happen all the time, it can start to affect your well-being,” Atkinson says.

“Friends should enhance our lives, not be a source of tension or stress that is emotionally draining,” adds psychologist and friendship expert Irene S. Levine, PhD.

Sometimes, something happens that destroys trust completely. This can look like your friend revealing a secret you’d confided in them, having an affair with your partner or failing to take responsibility after causing other forms of harm. 

However, trust doesn’t just hinge upon whether someone clearly violates it or not. It involves feeling safe enough to confide in them, and being yourself around them. “Ending it may be necessary when repeated harm, lost trust or a lack of hope for repair makes the relationship unsustainable,” Atkinson suggests.

You and your friends don’t have to be identical—but having completely different values can create tension that could be challenging to overcome. 

“Some differences can make a friendship feel uncomfortable or unsafe, especially when they involve respect, honesty, discrimination or how people should be treated,” Atkinson explains.

According to Dr. Levine, it may be wise to end a friendship if misunderstandings and miscommunication become the norm and can’t be resolved. Two people may have different communication styles, but if conflict becomes frequent, yet repair—the long-lasting kind—doesn’t follow, the friendship might be costing you more than it’s worth.

Some people can leave a pit in your stomach after spending time with them—or even by merely thinking about them. Psychotherapists have a term for this: psychosomatization. 

If you experience a physical response to a friend—be it a headache, stomachache, fatigue or something else—science has shown that this may be a signal your body is noticing a problem, sometimes even before your mind has yet to articulate or face it with courage. Tune into this. It could help illuminate more subtle signs that you don’t feel healthy with this person.

Maybe you told your friend you feel forgotten when they don’t check in anymore. Or perhaps you let them know that their constant jabs affect your self-esteem. If you’ve clearly raised your core issues, asked for what you need and given the friendship a reasonable chance to change—yet your words fall on deaf ears—that’s more than a temporary rough patch.

“If you cannot bring up concerns without being dismissed or blamed, that says a lot,” Atkinson says.

An official friendship breakup may sound extreme, but there’s a time and place for it. According to Atkinson, a formal conversation ending the friendship is often the best choice when the relationship is close, long-standing or emotionally significant. 

In addition, she says, it’s the right move if you believe this person will continue to contact you and you have no interest in maintaining the relationship, especially due to a serious conflict or betrayal.

Though you might prefer to avoid confrontation, this route has its merits. “A direct conversation can be uncomfortable, especially because we don’t have a cultural script for friendship breakups,” Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert, tells MyLifetime. “But it can also reduce uncertainty, acknowledge what the friendship meant, clarify what happens next, and give both people an opportunity to learn something they can carry into future relationships.”

While there’s no official right way to end a friendship, Dr. Levine suggests thinking carefully about what you say, and perhaps putting it in writing first so you can rehearse it. “Find the right time and place to deliver the message and make sure you use ‘I’ language, not blaming the other person,” she advises. Don’t feel the need to “win” your case or convince the other person that they’re wrong and you’re right. Simply explain your decision from your perspective. For instance, that could sound like:

“I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I don’t think our friendship is healthy for me anymore. I’ve tried to talk about what’s been hurting me, but I feel like things haven’t changed. I’m grateful for the good times we’ve shared, and I don’t wish you any ill will, but I need to take a step back from this relationship.”

On the other hand, Atkinson says a fizzle might be more appropriate when the friendship was casual or already low-contact. The same goes, she says, if both of you are naturally moving in different directions and there’s no major betrayal or unresolved harm. In this case, a formal conversation could create unnecessary intensity.

How frequently you see each other—or how much this person crosses into other relationships in your life—could also influence which route you choose. For example, if you share a workplace, family connections, or the same social circle, things might be more complicated. Here, Atkinson suggests trying to work things out before ending the friendship. 

“Some relationships shift from intimate friendship to occasional friendship, shared-community friendship or cordial acquaintance,” she says. “The goal is not always to deliver a definitive verdict, but to create a level of contact that is honest and emotionally sustainable.”

While friendship breakups aren’t as discussed or normalized as romantic breakups, they can still elicit a range of intense emotions. “Friendship loss can bring up grief, sadness, guilt, relief, anger and regret—and sometimes several of those feelings at once,” Dr. Kirmayer says. This rings true even if you’re certain that ending the friendship was the right decision.

Atkinson suggests allowing a space for these feelings, instead of forcing yourself to move on. If you feel guilty, she suggests asking yourself if you were honest, respectful and protected your boundaries. If so, remind yourself that there’s nothing that you did wrong.

You might also find yourself missing your friend—but that doesn’t mean that you made the wrong move. “After a breakup, people often remember the best moments and question the decision,” Atkinson tells MyLifetime. 

There might be moments when you feel the urge to text them with good news. There’s a pang of sadness when they pop up on your Instagram feed. Or maybe you feel some grief that you won’t be celebrating Friendsgiving together this year. When these instances arise, sit with them and know they’re normal—but also revisit what led you to take a step back and remind yourself why it was the right choice.

In the aftermath of ending a friendship, Dr. Kirmayer says the most important thing is to be a good friend to yourself and avoid turning the ending into a verdict on your character. She adds that it can be helpful to self-reflect: Ask yourself what you can learn from the experience and what lessons you want to take from it into future friendships.

While my friendship breakup happened in 2023, I still think about Taylor from time to time. I miss our friendship, and sometimes I mourn what I lost. 

Yet I know that it was the right decision for me, and that I had to let go of a dynamic that felt one-sided—even if she didn’t willingly do me any harm. Sometimes, a friendship ending isn’t due to one person’s “fault.” There may just come a time when your needs and expectations become incompatible, even when there’s no love lost.