When Is the Best Time to Have Difficult Conversations?
Before you need to, says Claudia Giolitti-Wright, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and adjunct professor of psychology at Golden Gate University in San Francisco. “The ‘right time’ is almost always way earlier than people think,” she tells MyLifetime. “Most couples wait until there’s a sense of urgency or crisis, when resentment has built too strong, communication has broken down, or someone is already emotionally halfway out the door.”
Avoiding sensitive conversations until someone eventually and inevitably blows up means you’ll be in triage mode—and will most likely have an argument, not a conversation. Talking about tricky topics should be thought of as maintenance or foundational work in a relationship, not repair work, Giolitti-Wright says.
Timing matters, according to Kate Anthony, a high-conflict divorce coach and co-parenting specialist. It’s not a good idea to bring up sensitive issues immediately after your spouse finishes their work day, when you’re getting kids ready for school or right before bed. When you feel the issue pressing or you find a good, calm space of time to sit down together, ask your partner if they have the bandwidth for the conversation at that moment. If not, set a time that’s good for both of you. Then be sure to show up for each other.
How to Make Difficult Conversations Productive
Here are some tips from the experts on how to make sure these talks stay respectful and lead to progress:
Pay attention to tone: Oftentimes, Giolitti-Wright says, couples who come into her practice think they have trouble communicating, but the real problem is how their nervous system responds to each other’s tone while communicating. “Partners feel criticized, unsafe or misunderstood, and they go into either defensiveness or withdrawal, and nothing gets accomplished,” she says.
Create emotional safety: Don’t rush the conversation, don’t raise your voice and don’t interrupt.
Use “I” language, not “you” language: Speak from personal experience or share your feelings instead of directing blame or frustrations on the other person. Saying “I feel like this” is better than “You always do this.”
Don’t try to “win”: Partners should approach discussions as addressing an “us” issue together as a team, not as a “me” problem or a “you” problem, Anthony says. Approach conversations with curiosity about how your partner is feeling instead of immediately getting defensive.
5 Topics to Discuss with Your Spouse
Chores and household labor
Gigliotti-Wright says conflicts around chores are extremely common in the couples she sees in therapy—and these issues are rarely just about laundry. Eve Rodsky helped bring the trend to light in the 2023 book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (And More Life to Live); there’s a mental load that accompanies the basket of laundry. “Chore conflicts often reflect deeper issues around fairness [and recognition],” Gigliott-Wright tells MyLifetime. “The mental load of remembering, anticipating and managing is often invisible and unevenly distributed, and that invisibility is what breeds resentment far more than the dishes themselves.”
Giolitti-Wright advises couples to make that invisible labor visible by listing all of the responsibilities that keep the household running, and actively showing appreciation to reduce resentment. (A hug in the kitchen when you’re both passing through to grab a snack goes a long way.) “From there, it becomes much easier to redistribute in a way that feels equitable,” she says.
Anthony suggests the division of household labor chat should be revisited at moments of life transition, particularly if you can be proactive about broaching the topic. “The domestic labor portion absolutely needs to be discussed at regular intervals because things do change,” Anthony says, like when you have a baby or one spouse gets a new job.
Money and finances
A 2023 study from the American Psychological Association found that 77% of U.S. adults stress over money. Meanwhile, Pew Center research recently stated that in 30% of U.S. marriages, both partners earn “about the same amount of money,” while 16% have a breadwinner wife—meaning that in nearly 50% of married households, women likely have an equitable voice in the finances.
This may contribute to ideas about budgeting, spending, discussions about saving, spending and other financial topics are important to have on a regular basis.
Every couple handles their money differently and does budgeting their own way, but the throughline is to be open and honest about money. Any sort of deception, dishonesty or financial infidelity can lead to big trouble in the marriage.
“Avoidance sets you up for much larger issues when you finally do have those conversations,” Anthony says. She recommends planning regular weekly or monthly casual, low-stakes check-ins so both spouses are on the same financial page—not waiting until there’s a crisis, like a big bill or emergency expense.
Also, be sure to have these talks when you’re approaching transition points, like moving in together, merging finances, having a baby, losing a job or starting a new business venture, says Claudia Giolitti-Wright.
Sex and intimacy
Talking about your sexual and emotional needs might make you feel vulnerable, but they’re important to address right away. This is true if your partner is the one who wants it more often, too.
“This conversation is worth having whenever either partner notices a shift, and not wait until the bedroom has gone cold for six months,” Giolitti-Wright says. Keep the conversation warm and open, and focus on what you need or feel is missing instead of blaming or accusing your partner.
Where and when should you not have this discussion? Both experts say not to let it happen in the bedroom, and never right before, during or after sex. That may sound counterintuitive—but talking about sex in a neutral time and space retains the intimacy of the moment and of the bedroom space, Anthony says.
Goals and future plans
It’s natural for a couple’s goals and plans to change throughout the marriage as life experience gives you a new perspective on dreams like having children, paying off a home, buying a vacation home. “What needs to be addressed is the difference between a preference and a non-negotiable, and the values underneath that goal, not just the goal itself,” Giolitti-Wright says.
Life goals should have come up early in the relationship, before big commitments are made, and continuously as time unfolds. They deserve a check-in now and then.
Couples therapy
Couples can get stuck in a loop, having the same disagreement over and over. They might feel like they need an additional voice to help guide them through it. But therapy should be viewed as relationship maintenance, not solely reserved for when a couple is on the verge of divorce, both experts say.
“In my clinical experience, the couples who have the best prognosis long term are often the ones who go to couples therapy before they’re in crisis,” Giolitti-Wright tells MyLifetime.
Anthony adds, “Any time you feel that you’re not being heard in your relationship or if you’re having an issue with your spouse and they appear unable or unwilling to hear or understand your issues or make any changes around them, it’s time to get a third party involved.”
The best time to bring up trying therapy is during a calm time, not during a fight. Approach the conversation from a place of care and concern—not something you’re prescribing to fix a flaw in your partner. Gigliotti-Wright suggests, “Frame it as something you want for the relationships."
