When a Friend Isn’t Who You Thought They’d Be: 2 Expert Psychotherapists Share Their Takes

Life moves quickly, but thankfully, something that stands the test of time tends to be the definition of a good friend. At the dawn of humanities studies, philosopher Aristotle wrote that genuine friendship involves mutual goodwill, reciprocity and a complete desire for the other person’s well-being. 

More than 2,000 years later, in the age of social media, tense politics and a 24/7 news cycle, most of us would agree that still holds true. Research from 2022 that was published in Evolutionary Psychological Science found that the most desirable traits of a friend are someone who’s honest, ethical, pleasant and available.

But what happens when a friend portrays all of these characteristics at first, and then turns out to be someone you didn’t think they were?

“It’s complicated,” Marisa G. Franco, PhD, professor at the University of Maryland and New York Times bestselling author, tells MyLifetime. “I think we often assume when people show their worst self that that’s their true colors, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that who we are when we’re most reactive or threatened is our true colors.”

A friend who you find safe and connected to may occasionally make you feel unsafe and disconnected from them. Dr. Franco says friendships include moments of disappointment and times when you miss a friend’s support. 

“The litmus test is if it’s chronic,” she says. “Are you constantly not feeling good in the person’s company? And if you voice your concerns do they take accountability and express a desire to change, or are they just sort of like, Take it or leave it?”

Rather than focusing on one instance where a friend made a mistake, Nicole Andreoli, PhD, psychologist at Pathways Psychological Services and author, says consider how you consistently feel after spending time with them. She says some red flags to look out for include:If they dismiss your feelings, cross boundaries after you’ve expressed them, or reach out only when they need you. 

“Another important marker is how the person handles ruptures in the friendship, or hearing that you feel hurt,” Dr. Andreoli tells MyLifetime. “Healthy friendships can withstand difficult conversations, and good friends can apologize and take ownership for wrongdoing.”

Deborah Vinall, PsyD, LMFT, Chief Psychological Officer at Recovered, lists the following as additional red flags: 

Dr. Franco points out that in rare cases, you may discover a friend is a narcissist with an emerging and enduring personality, which means that when you’re first getting to know them, they’re often charming. “You really enjoy the friendship, and they’re pulling you in and offering you a lot of love and affirmation,” she says. “But when you get to know them, they are controlling, putting you down and undercutting you.”

Telling someone you’re disappointed or hurt isn’t easy or typical in friendship, Dr. Franco says. She refers to a concept called “flaccid safety,” which is the act of avoiding all friction by pretending problems do not exist. “This is when we feel close to a friend because we never bring up problems,” she says. Instead, she recommends facing problems “head-on through something called ‘dynamic safety,’ where we disagree and work through it. Over time,” she says, “that allows us to form deeper friendships.”

She suggests telling a friend something like:

“Hey, I feel hurt when you are late.”

“I feel upset when you tease me, even though I know you’re coming from a good place.”

“What were your intentions when you didn’t show up to dinner? What happened?”

After you express your concerns, it’s okay to ask for change by saying something like: “Next time, please call me so I know you’re not coming.”

Most relationships deserve the opportunity for honest conversation and repair following one incident, says Dr. Andreoli. If you consistently walk away from the friendship feeling anxious, drained or like you’re not valued, she says it’s worth taking a closer look at whether the relationship is still healthy for you. “You don’t have to end every friendship after a disappointment. But you also don’t have to keep giving unlimited chances when the same pattern keeps repeating,” she says.

If you have addressed your concerns or reiterated your boundaries to a friend and they get defensive, deny your concerns or get angry instead of listening to you, Dr. Vinell says it may be time to walk away. 

“This is an important caveat, as too many people walk away at the first sign of strain, stress or conflict. Leaving prematurely may be labeled as empowered when in fact it might be a cowardly act of avoidance,” she says. “True friendships grow through conflict and by having the hard conversations. Respond to rupture with repair.”

Sometimes redefining a friendship is an option over ending it. “Not all relationships are black and white, where someone is either in your life or not,” Dr. Andreoli says.

For example, she says consider an old, close friend who suddenly seems less reliable. Maybe now you accept seeing them at workout classes instead of turning to them for support during hard times. “While sometimes ending a friendship is necessary, there may also be times when adjusting expectations and allowing the relationship to evolve is a more appropriate choice,” Dr. Andreoli says.

Because intimacy requires risk, courage, healing and repair, Dr. Vinell says it’s impossible to fully protect yourself from betrayal or disappointment from friends without cutting yourself off from the possibility of friendship altogether. “Nevertheless, knowing the red flags of emotionally immature or selfish people and moving slowly as you get to know someone new can help reduce the chances of fracture in a close relationship,” she says.

Watching and recognizing patterns can help. “I think people get into trouble when they keep explaining away behavior or convincing themselves that the next interaction will be different,” Dr. Andreoli says. “If you’ve been disappointed over and over again by the same person, it’s worth asking whether you’re holding onto the friendship because of who they are today or because of who you hope they’ll become.”