Midlife Identity Crisis: A Menopause Doctor and Two Psychologists Explain What's Actually Happening

Maybe you haven’t reached all the goals you hoped to by now, or you feel like you’ve peaked with nothing to look forward to. Perhaps your children are out of the house and you’re left wondering what’s next; or an old love resurfaced on social media and brought back memories of a period when you felt young, powerful, and excited about life. 

Midlife has a way of calling us to examine our identities, as Julie Hannan, a U.K.-based psychologist and author of The Midlife Crisis Handbook, tells MyLifetime. “At some point in midlife, we begin to realize that time is finite. We stop assuming we’ve got forever to become the person we thought we’d be. That can create enormous psychological tension between the life we’ve built and the life we still want to live, even if we don’t yet know what that looks like.”

Menopause expert Marie Claire Haver, MD, an OB-GYN and New York Times bestselling author, says that during midlife, it’s common to reflect on whether your life aligns with your values, notice time feels like it’s moving more quickly or begin prioritizing your health and relationships differently.

“The concern arises when these feelings are accompanied by persistent depression, anxiety, loss of purpose or symptoms that interfere with daily life, because those deserve medical attention rather than being dismissed as ‘just midlife,’” she tells MyLifetime.

Canadian physician and psychoanalyst Elliott Jaques is credited with coining the term “midlife crisis.” In his 1965 paper, “Death and the Midlife Crisis,” he stated that it’s a psychological turning point when people confront their own mortality and creative output.

Leah Weiss, PhD, a scholar-practitioner who has spent more than 25 years studying how to navigate pivotal life transitions, thinks of this life period as a developmental stage rather than pathologizing it as a disorder.

“But it’s also not just a fad,” Dr. Weiss tells MyLifetime. “We know from neuroplasticity that we continue growing, learning and evolving through the life span, and that there’s different themes that we’re working on in different eras.”

Midlife for women is often a period of significant biological, psychological and social change. “[The] hormonal changes of perimenopause and menopause can amplify that experience,” Dr. Haver says. “Rather than viewing it as a crisis, I think of it as a period of reassessment and opportunity for growth.”

Like any developmental phase, such as entering the teen years or adulthood, Dr. Weiss says midlife is a time when people may struggle before they move through the stage. “Often, discomfort is the catalyst for a new ability or capacity or breakthrough mentally or physically,” she says.

A profound loss of something or someone you’ve invested in with love, money, time or energy, may be a trigger, Hannan tells MyLifetime. “Some losses, although deeply painful, can usually be mourned and gradually integrated into our lives,” she says. “But a profound loss shakes our very foundations, and the world can feel unsafe; it can impact our identity and who we thought we were.”

For instance, when children leave home, life can feel meaningless and purposeless, especially if much of your identity is centered on them. Hannan also notes that this holds true for losing a parent, or a relationship from separation or divorce. 

Other losses are less obvious and might include the loss of status during retirement or loss of your health, libido, vitality, sense of self, looks and friendship, “or the loss of excitement about a career we’ve invested in for many years that no longer brings joy or a sense of achievement,” Hannan says.

Women may react differently than men during a midlife crisis. Rather than making impulsive decisions, like spending a lot of money on things like cars, Dr. Haver says for women, it’s often more about exhaustion, identity shifts and feeling invisible while carrying enormous responsibilities at work and home. “Add the sleep disruption, brain fog, mood changes and physical symptoms that can accompany perimenopause, and it’s easy to see why women may feel unlike themselves,” she says.

Hannan works with clients who often now have fewer tasks or responsibilities and more time to find themselves. “This can feel scary, because they’re not sure what to do after years of working, caring and prioritizing others,” she says. “Now they have a chance to build a life for themselves, and they can feel selfish and stuck because of this. They feel they have lost themselves somewhere along the way and may crave peace and silence, or adventure and freedom.”

Some women reach a point at this stage where they aren’t going to go along with making other people comfortable anymore at work, home and friendships, according to Dr. Weiss. “This is related to how we’re supposed to do the invisible emotional work and smooth things over—be the shock absorbers for everybody around us, which is different from men,” she says.

While there’s no guaranteed way to get past this stage, the following might help you move through it.

Evaluate your core values and think about where they are currently aligned and diverging. Dr. Weiss says ask yourself: If I have another five or 40 years to live, what do I want to move toward, learn about and contribute to? “This helps identify a purpose and values, which have to be updated as our experiences change,” she says. “Understanding you’re at a developmental threshold is an important recognition because it brings meaning to the discomfort, and understanding that growth can occur from going through it.” 

Align the aspects of your life with your up-to-date values. Hannan suggests if connection has become an important value, reach out to an old friend for a coffee, or join a local group to meet new people. If adventure or creativity feels important, try a new hobby or sign up for a class you have always wanted to take. If authenticity matters to you, practice saying what you really think with someone you trust. “Start with small, specific steps that reflect what truly matters to you now, so that small actions can gradually build up to bigger changes,” Hannan says.

Talk to other women in the same stage of life. “Social connection and hearing women’s stories can help,” Dr. Weiss says.

Avoid blowing up your life. “Don’t make a huge decision, like leaving a partner or quitting a job on impulse. Before you press eject from your life, think it through and get support,” Dr. Weiss says. 

Let go of unhealthy attachments that keep you stuck. This can include: 

Ensure you have the support you need around you, and that others don’t minimize your troubles. “Keep the people who love you close at hand, particularly those who don’t judge you for changing and aren’t invested in you staying the same for their own benefit,” Hannan says.  

Prioritize healthy habits, Dr. Haver says, like getting quality sleep, engaging in resistance training, eating a nutritional diet and stress management.

Seek medical evaluation for symptoms that could be related to perimenopause or mental health conditions.

Embrace that there can be an upside. “Midlife is not the beginning of decline,” Dr. Haver says. “With the right support, it can be one of the healthiest, most purposeful chapters of a woman’s life.”