Episode 4: Red Is the New Blech
OK, OK — before I get too tough on Episode 4, let’s keep in mind that it was all for a good cause, the American Heart Association. In partnership with Campbell’s Soup, the dresses this week are to be designed for the “Go Red for Women” gala Fashion Week event. On top of that, the models are real women whose lives have been impacted by heart disease. There. Sweetness and light aside for now, I think the designers fell way short this week — especially in light of some of the fantastic looks that have been sashaying down the runway. Yes, they had to use almost all red fabric ... and, yes they had to incorporate Campbell’s branding into their designs (I’m keepin’ my mouth shut ...) And yes, they had only $100 and one day to complete a gown fit for a gala. But yes, this IS “Project Runway.” Deal with it.
This should be an easy thing to do, right? Make a dress with a beautiful silhouette (your color has already been chosen) from your bag of designing tricks. These looks ended up looking more like just bags. No tricks. And the judges liked a couple of things that I thought were atrocious. Nothing new there, either. Let’s see ... Maya is going for an Elsa Peretti–inspired heart-shaped bodice that looked promising. (See final design above.) Notice I said “looked.” Seth is in trouble (he even said, “I want my mommy”) and decides to take a left turn into Grecian-draping land, where he is most certainly a stranger. (Tear-Jerker Alert:) Then, the designers go deep within themselves to realize that there’s more to life than “Project Runway” and winning a challenge ... that some people have real problems to face, like heart disease. OK, so I got a little choked-up too. Sue me.
Tim time! Maya’s is looking good (what happened before the runway?). Janeane’s accidentally got dunked in a bucket of water because, to quote her, she’s “such a loser.” And Seth took Tim’s scowl to heart and chucked his Grecian toga and started over. Jay’s is looking cool (another one that went south on its way to the runway), and Anthony ... well, let’s just say Anthony wasn’t so quotable this week. And quicker than you can say “Warhol,” it’s time for the runway ...
Usual suspects: Michael “Orange you glad I’m here?” Kors, Nina “Sew what?” Garcia, and Mrs. Weinstein, Georgina Chapman of Marchesa.
(Before we start, I just want to say I was disappointed with the lack of Noodle Wigs, Soup Bowl Hats, and Saltine Cracker Belts that would have made such lovely accessories.)
• Jonathan: Burgundy taffeta ruffle-tiered gown seemed cool but somehow very messy.
• Emilio: Polka-dot bubble shorty dress that looked like a red empire-waisted garbage bag covered with pepperoni. Awful.
• Maya: What seemed promising turned into some sort of horror with two fabrics strangling each other and the model. Student work.
• Anthony: OK dress that fit well, but ruined with a balloony jacket that looked like it was designed for shoplifting in the ‘80s.
• Amy: Chiffon goddess dress that was at least gala-worthy. Just fine, if a little old-fashioned.
• Jesus: Short, cheap, shiny, cheap, tight, cheap, sparkle straps, cheap, tacky, cheap, and ... did I say cheap? (See photo above.)
• Anna: Red chiffon and beige bag with a belt. Left over from the burlap challenge.
• Jay: Lobster-tail bodice that at one time looked promising. Maybe a lot of melted butter could save it.
• Jesse: Ivory short jacket over a matronly cocktail dress. He likes to walk the plank.
• Ben: Long gown with a high slit and a strange gold Wonder Woman belt. Hopefully she has an invisible jet.
• Mila: Standout effort with huge star appliques and a flattering silhouette. She did more work, with more quality and pizzazz than all the other looks put together, and she had immunity. She should have won. (See photo.)
• Janeane: Looks like her model is wearing a plus-size dress that is falling off under a red dress that is too tight. Ugh. Loser.
• Seth: Cute fit-and-flare dress that I liked a lot, considering he started with something completely different.
I was shocked to see Maya end up in the top with her mess of a dress that looked like it was constructed with a glue gun and a tornado. Mila and Amy are competing for the win, and the judges give it to Amy Sarabi. Probably because they don’t want Mila getting too cocky. In the bottom, Jesse, Jesus and Anna are three sad sacks, but the bottom two are Jesus and Anna. I can’t believe they kept Anna, who is about as interesting as a cold bowl of oatmeal. Jesus Estrada is out, after a promising beginning.
Oh well ... I can’t cry over spilled soup.
See ya soon,
Chris
Episode 3: Teams of Two Little, Too Late
This episode has it all: teams of two (including the hostess, Heidi, who always seems to be pregnant), the highest budget in “Project Runway” history, and enough twists and turns to keep you guessing what’s inspired by who, for how much, until your head is spinning. You may need a scorecard to keep things straight this time around. Tim takes the designers to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to meet 10 other designers — the icons ensconced in the Met’s Costume Collection. Chanels, Balenciagas and Diors — oh my! I was drooling on these gorgeous gowns, as were the runway kids. I hope they were Scotchgarded.
We all know that it’s time for the dreaded (and rightly so) team challenge. The teams are (get your scorecard ready!): Jay and Maya; Jesus and Amy; Anthony and Seth Aaron; Janeane and Ben; Mila and Jonathan; Ping and Jesse; Emilio and Anna.
The first partner of each team is the leader (Ping? Oh no! ...), and they are off to sketch and then spend a whopping $500 at Mood. The footage at Mood is so disparaging of Ping, it was hard to watch ... she loses sketchpads, fabric and money; argues with Jesse; and just looks like a chicken with her head cut off. We know that no good will come of this. Mila is one tough cookie who has decided to go for a ’60s futuristic look. Anthony and Seth Aaron (who, at one point, Anthony pricelessly refers to as “Seth-Ann”) are working on a red, yellow and black dress that Miss Anthony describes as “... a gown for the vice president of McDonald’s.” Love her. To death. I refuse to watch any more episodes if she gets kicked off. And then there’s the mess of Jesse and Ping .... I actually felt sorry for pirate-boy Jesse, who is just trying to “...rein in the crazy.” Perhaps a couture straitjacket would suit Ping perfectly.
But guess what, sports fans? There’s a twist! (Come on, you knew it was coming!) The teams have to make a second “look for less” with $50! And it has to be inspired by one of the OTHER team’s looks. Yipes. Me no likey. You can get out your scorecard and figure out who was inspired by whom, but this was all very confusing, and didn’t play out on the runway as fabulously as I think they planned.
Tim comes through the workroom to gleefully describe Ping’s choice of fabric for their cheap look as, well, cheap. Well, “cheap and cheerful wrapping paper,” to quote him completely. Anthony and Seth-Ann are having a disagreement in front of Tim, and Miss Anthony snaps, “Stop acting up in front of company!” Anthony has seen way too many episodes of “In Living Color” while beading his dress for “Paris Is Burning.” The morning of the runway show, he spits out the jewel, “I’m stacked, packed, and ready to attack!”
The snaps are flying, the hips are sashaying, the candy is being hidden, the shade is being thrown and the faces are at a full beat. In other words, it’s time for the runway. Throw the dice and steal the rice ....
The judges are: Michael “Tanning Bed” Kors, Nina “Fashion Predator” Garcia and guest judge Matthew Williamson. (As an aside, just to give all young designers hope .... I can remember eight years ago when Matthew Williamson didn’t even have a show at Bryant Park yet, so he got a store across the street to feature photos of his collection in their windows. Just look at him now!)
Team Anthony/Seth-Ann: Black and yellow hoop skirt for the “Queen Bee” in a school play about reproduction. (See left.)
* 4-less look: Kind of cute lace-overlay cocktail dress with pintucked tank top. Better than their couture look, to be sure.
Team Jesus/Amy: Burnout black fishtail dress with ruffled wheels that make a kind of bolero jacket. I kind of like both, but not together.
* 4-less look: Balloon pants that scream “Hammer Time!” You can’t touch this.
Team Mila/Jonathan: Paco Rabanne meets Tim Burton in a Jane Fonda exercise video. With a little NASCAR couture thrown in? The judges liked this way more than I did.
* 4-less look-black and yellow babydoll dress for the “Queen Bee” in the JonBenet Ramsey version of the school play about reproduction. Eeeww.
Team Janeane/Ben: Shorty-short-short pintucked blah dress with a blah vest. Most of their $500 must have been spent on crack.
* 4-less look: Tackling the ’60s look, they did a good job making a wearable outfit.
Team Emilio/Anna: Innovation-free black version of Simplicity Pattern #5108 “Easy to Sew” bridesmaid dress. Most of their $500 must have been spent on ... crack.
* 4-less look: Cute asymmetrical horizontal-striped dress that had absolutely nothing to do with the inspiration. (See above — “crack.”)
Team Jay/Maya: Fungus-shoulder gown with tendrils of of twists down the front that flutter as the model walks. It definitely grew on me.
* 4-less look: More elaborate than Janeane and Ben’s original? Almost an exact copy, though.
Team Ping/Jesse: Vintage-y lace top with a bottom that looks like the model sat in glue and then the bargain bin of scraps at Jo-Ann Fabrics. (See right.)
* 4-less look: A gray dress for sunning in the prison yard. Super boring and uninspired. (See above — “crack.”)
Whew! I know that was all very confusing, but all you need to know is that Mila wins with her Paco Rabanne–inspired space-stewardess look, and that Teams Anthony/Seth-Ann and Ping/Jesse end up in the bottom. Heidi warns that one or two (!) of them will be going home. Jesse and Seth are pronounced “safe,” leaving Ping and Anthony to walk the plank ... Oh no! They can’t get rid of Miss Anthony! She’s just getting warmed up with the quips and quotes! Please oh please let him stay ... Ping gets the pong, and Anthony is safe for another week of Southern belle antics.Yay! Poor Ping gives a tearful goodbye in a very sad exit interview. Oh, the cruel mistress that is reality TV.
See ya soon,
Chris
Episode 2: "You Say Potato..."
“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” One of my favorite sayings, this was written on one of the blackboards in apartments of the designers. In episode two, the producers of “Project Runway” try to kill the remaining 15 designers by making them create pretty party dresses out of burlap potato sacks. Complete with a trip to a farm and everything, (the look on Tim Gunn’s face was priceless—dirt—eewww!) I have to say I think this is one of the most clever and fun challenges the show has ever put forth. It made for a great episode, and an especially great runway show, full of transcendence and tragedy.
My first thought was a famous episode of “I Love Lucy”, where Mrs. Ricardo is duped into literally wearing a potato sack after being convinced it was a piece of designer “couture”. Some of the results of this challenge turned out to be just as ridiculous, if not more so (oh Ping, the producers must truly love you!). I once made a dress out of potato sacks with a skirt made out of 25 pounds of real potatoes. Don’t ask. Just pass the ketchup.
The designers also have access to bins full of trims, ribbons, zippers, buttons, and actual produce. In a couple more tweaks and twists, they have to make the dresses with the models as their clients, and the models get to do the choosing. Poor Mila gets her panties in a bunch when her model mutinies to pair with Miss Anthony. Let the fireworks begin. She also gets chosen last. Boo hoo. “What doesn’t kill me….” Anthony politely describes his model as “verbal” (I believe that means “Loudmouth Bitch” in Anthony-speak) and he and Mila get into the season’s first smackdown. Poor Mila tries her best to hurt Anthony, who turns on his heel, confronts her, and says, “I left my feelings in Atlanta, Georgia.” He turns and walks away. Oh Miss Anthony, fries DO come with that shake!
Early looks around the workroom show Anna cleverly using a fresh potato to make a “potato print” on her fabric (I would have preferred plain fabric and a plate of tater tots), Tim trying to worry the hell out of everyone about the direction they’re taking, and Ping never disappointing with her pearls of wisdom…”Yes, I know—I’m always intriguing.”
Cue Tim’s eye roll. On to Amy, who seems to be doing something mysteriously fabulous to the edges of her burlap, and Tim giving poor Jesus a heart attack by sharing with him the simple fact that the challenge was to USE the burlap—not cover it up with trim. Jesus should be panic-stricken for another simple reason. His dress is ugly as sh*t. (See the photo on the left.) “What doesn’t kill me…” You get the picture.
Last peeks as models and designers scurry to the runway show some sort of God-awful hood-hat on one outfit, and many concerns that Ping’s dress is missing something. The back. Uh-oh. And now, grab a big bag of potato chips and get ready for the runway….
We have Michael Kors, the Mayor of Orangetown, Nina Garcia, the Queen of Bitch City, and the guest judge, Lauren Hutton, who’s sex scenes with Richard Gere in “American Gigolo” scarred me for life. Because I was jealous.
• Anthony-Miss Anthony dyed the burlap pink and made a really cute, well fitted swirly pouf dress. She proves that she is so much more than just a couple of snaps up!
• Ping-Top-check. Bottom-check. Front-check. Back-ooops. Ping left her model’s ass swinging in the wind, claiming American garments are hard to understand.
• Ben-Managed to make a stick thin model look more pregnant that Heidi in a pile of dyed pink burlap ruffles.
• Mila-To get back at Miss Anthony, Mila proves she is a contender with a capital “C” with this beautifully constructed grey and silver trimmed burlap cocktail dress from the future. She gets an A+.
• Anna Marie-Her seemingly clever “potato print” turned out to be not-so-clever after all, making her model look like she just came from mud wrestling show. She should have left the real potatoes for dinner, like I told her to.
• Jesse-Okay, pirate boy. This shipwreck of an outfit consisted of a vest and pair of pseudo-jodphurs with black riding boots that belonged on the controversial children’s toy, “Facist Dictator Mr. Potato Head”.
• Seth-Eeeeek! It gets worse! Super strange lampshade skirt and crazy hood-hat-thing make this outfit appropriate for “Idaho—the Musical”.
• Amy-Amazingly light and fluid petal-skirted halter dress, with a beautiful ombre-dyed treatment to the edges of the petals. Stunning.
• Janeane-Can only be described as, “Grey Prison Slut”.
• Jay-Surprisingly light tank dress with a shredded feather-effect bubble skirt in a chic shade of charcoal. Really great work. Makes me excited for this season.
• Emilio-Packing crate stripes thrown on to a burlap sheath while blindfolded. Not so much.
• Jesus-Brown and green stewardess outfit for “Hideous Airways”. I think this outfit actually made Nina Garcia’s eyes hurt. (See photo above.)
• Jonathan-Victoria’s Secret goes down-on-the-farm with this curious (alright, ridiculous) mixture of tater sack and lingerie. Perfect for Eva Gabor, if you’re old enough to get the joke.
• Maya-Something about this look seems like it was made out of a bunch of different colored straw beach purses, and not in a good way. Needs to be in a commercial for Malibu Breeze Coconut Rum.
• Pamela-Snoresville—and I should know. What seemed like a promising dye job turned into a denim-look dress with almost no interest whatsoever. Plus—it gave the model enough“junk” to fill several trunks. (See photo.)
In a judging with not too many quotable quotes, they did a good job of picking the top (Jay, Mila, and Amy) and the bottom (Pamela, Ping, and Jesus). They chose Jay for the win, even though I would have been happier with either one of the other two. So, let’s see, who do we think is going home? Crazy Jesus who will freak out on camera, Ping, who will cry or laugh or say just about anything for no reason we can decipher, or Pamela, this season’s equivalent to a Pet Rock? Hmmmm……Goodbye, Pamela.
And remember Pam, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger…” Can’t wait to see who they try to kill next week….Until then,
See ya soon,
Chris
Carol Hannah is working on what looks like a dress-up collection for little girls in adult sizes, albeit in pretty hues of dark purple, moss green and dusty lavender. 
Irina just keeps up the Ice Princess bitchery by accusing Althea of stealing her designs once they get to New York. Don’t worry, Althea — she’ll huff and she’ll puff and she’ll try to blow your house down. The editing plays up the awkwardness between the two. Two? Where is Carol Hannah? Plot twist? Mystery? Disaster? Don’t worry, she’s just late because she has a “contagious” stomach virus. More like she’s nervous as hell and can’t keep breakfast down. She enters the catfight between these two knit-aholics like Bambi entering a slaughterhouse. I absolutely loved it when the camera caught Irina saying she really feels bad for Carol Hannah, but with this huge grin on her face. Busted.
In a tiny new twist, 
