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There's No "Bert" in "Team"

Posted By CaitlinBergmann 5:01am GMT

A review of last week:
Nina: bored
Heidi: not impressed
Michael: hilarious
Joanna: more hilarious
Kerry: sweet

Julie: OUT

There's No Place Like Home
Team Joshua New Balance challengeMorning finds the designers waking up to a gift of running attire and an invitation to join Heidi and Tim at the New Balance Armory. Cecilia drags her carcass out of bed in what one would assume is a hypoglycemic death spiral. She is done. Done. At the track, Cecilia tells Heidi and Tim that she would like to quit and go home … and she does. The rest of the designers must race around the track to determine the team leaders for the next challenge: to make three looks for Heidi's New Balance sneaker collection.

Poor Olivier does a face plant about 30 steps into it, Josh leaves the pack in his dust (without ruining his makeup), and Bryce, Anthony Ryan and Viktor finish next. The top four are to be the team leaders. Bert is so far behind that Heidi runs the last portion with him in her five-inch heels. She beats him. No surprise.

New Balance or No Balance???
The designers choose teams. No one wants Bert, and he doesn't want them. Lucky Josh C. is brought back to replace Cecilia. Off they all go to Mood.

Back in the boiler room workroom the designers are all either sharing ideas or eating each other. Josh M. is treating Becky like an 11-year-old sweatshop worker, and Bert is abusing his teammates ... and everyone else in his path. Bert, who couldn't be bothered to learn his castmates' names, is parading around with his nose in the air like Marie Antoinette at a discount shoe store. Every show needs a villain, but I think Bert is trying too hard to leave his mark. Meanwhile, Josh M. throws the "dowdy" insult at Becky, causing a tear-filled confrontation in a stall in the ladies' can. Josh apologizes, and all is well.

Enter Heidi and Tim ... Heidi is underwhelmed, and there isn't enough Botox to un-furrow Tim's brow over what he sees. High point: Laura tries to diplomatically describe her model's ample posterior and Ms. Klum decides to get technical — it is not a "wide grade-out," it is a large "badonk-a-donk." Am relieved about the clarification.

General MacArthur Never Had It So Easy
The designers are seating at the runway and are greeted by a sequined-jumpsuit-and-black-sneaker-wearing Heidi — you heard me. Erin Wasson (did you catch my genuflect?) Is introduced as the guest judge ... let the show begin!

There were a few good looks sandwiched in between a whole pile of yawn. Josh M. was praised not as much for his look as for choosing a good team and directing them well. Anya had the favorite look of his team, and I am officially taking a sip of the Anya Kool-Aid (just a small one). The orange stripe down the front of her maxi dress, though, was unfortunate. Viktor's team was praised for a cohesive collection, with Viktor's motorcycle jacket as the star. Olivier's "Auntie Em" skirt, however, was a disaster. Ewwwwww.

Same Stuff, Different Day
Team Joshua New Balance challengeDanielle is on the hot seat for yet another '80s-colored (what do you call that dismal shade?) chiffon top, which Michael dubs a "soufflé that flopped." Ouch. Anthony Ryan is called out for his camel-toe-baggy-jumpsuit-disaster. Really bad. While the judges throw rocks at Anthony and Laura, Bert adds his own snarky remarks to those of the judges, even going so far as to cheer when his teammates are flinching. It's like he is trying to be hated. Mission accomplished. This guy is going to get some serious hate mail.

Everyone on the hot seat takes a turn pointing fingers, and the judges are sitting there laughing. The deliberations begin, and, once again, Nina and Heidi are at odds: Heidi wants the ax to fall on the designer who did the worst on THIS challenge, and Nina wants to consider the track record (really, no pun here) of the entire competition thus far.

In the Winner's Circle and Put Out to Pasture
Viktor and Josh are declared CO-winners. Viktor's dress and jacket are going to be produced by New Balance and sold by Amazon.com, as will Anya's maxi dress.

Anthony Ryan is sent to safety, but only after being informed by Heidi that she was overruled and would have put him out to pasture if it had been completely up to her. Danielle is sent home for being "chiffon-addicted."

Until next week ....