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Who Laid the Golden Egg Dress?

By CaitlinBergmann Wed., Aug. 26, 2009 ,3:17 pm EDT

Last week, Samantha Ronson look-alike and Disco Soccer Ball lover Ari was given the Heidi "drop and kick" and sent home. Who would replace her as the weird one of the group? We would soon find out. But first, I introduce to you the six-pack abs of Logan Neitzel.

Gratuitous Logan Torso Shot
Logan Neitzel shirtlessWhen this episode begins, the designers are waking up to a new day, lamenting what they need to do to stay on the show. For Logan, it seems he decided that walking around shirtless might not be such a bad idea. I want to make a suggestion right here and now to the producers and editors of the show: Please show Logan’s six-pack abs and shirtless torso at the beginning of EACH EPISODE. Most of Gay America — and lots of 18-year-old girls — will thank you!

Project Runway” Gets Knocked Up
But I digress. What was this week’s episode about again? Oh, yes, “Cheetah Girl” Heidi Klum saunters onto the runway and introduces the very pregnant actress and former model Rebecca Romijn. It quickly becomes apparent what the next challenge is: To Design a Chic Pregnancy Look for Rebecca. Something with a beautiful silhouette that would celebrate her figure, she tells them.

The Part of “Kooky” Ari Will Be Played by Malvin
After making a mess at Mood L.A. (I’m talking to you, Qristyl!), the designers returned to work on their designs. The designers walk over to their Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising workrooms (I’m not over the colorful walls and fun interiors!) and find “gifts” on their tables. They have been given a “pregnancy pad” to help them with this challenge. Most of the male designers didn’t know if they should put them on their heads or wear them as “man bags.” The only mom of the group, I-was-a-former-KGB-spy Gordana, quickly rushed to their aid, explaining the precise position of those padded pregnancy “bumps.” Tim Gunn is later brought in to do his walk-through. Louise tells Tim that her dress is looking a bit like a nightgown! Vocabulary God Tim mouths a fabulous “Tim-ism” when he tells her, “If your viscus [though Tim pronounced it more like “vicerous”] says ‘Uh-oh,’ then it’s probably true.” Say what? A high school diploma, two college degrees and I still had to look it up! Well, by the sound of the kooky music that came next, my viscus tells me Malvin Vien is making a mess! Malvin is trying to describe to Monsieur Gunn that his design is inspired by a chicken and its egg.

Malvin Vien with Tim GunnAnd if that isn’t bad enough, he wants to give his “pregnant” model jodhpurs shaped like chicken thighs! Uh, No! Poor Malvin. I venture to guess he’s one of those designers who have no real concept of how to design for a specific client — other than maybe a size 0 editor of an avant-garde Japanese fashion magazine.

Models then come in for fittings and get to try on their pregnancy bumps. We see Johnny has worked out all his “Hot Tranny Meth” addictions and taken up runway coaching. Miss J from “American’s Next Top Model” better watch out! If designing doesn’t work out, maybe Johnny could get a job there!

Is Michael Kors Back in St. Barths?
The runway show is about to begin, and — wait, where is Michael Kors? Is he in drag and now has suddenly turned into a red carpet gown designer by the name of Monique Lhuillier? Well, of course not; it IS Monique Lhuillier filling in for Mr. Kors! Heidi gives the designers a sly warning by telling them that each and every one of the judges has been pregnant before — in other words: “Don’t mess this up!”

Liz Lange: Are You Watching?
As the designs come down the runway, I am loving some, and just grimacing at others, mirroring the judges’ responses. Qristyl somehow found class in that sass of hers and created a pretty copper jersey one-shouldered dress. One of my favorites, Irina’s flirty blue dress, wasn’t even chosen as one of the top. Althea made one of the best “red carpet” pregnancy gowns, but I thought that it was just shy of being an Hervé Léger knockoff. Shirin’s wine-colored dress and coat were splendid and appropriate, therefore garnering the honors as best choice for pregnant Rebecca and winner of this challenge. Safe and pretty can go a long way sometimes on “Project Runway.”  Rarely, but sometimes.

Who Laid the Golden Egg?
I wasn’t a fan of Epperson’s jumpsuit (a jumpsuit for a pregnant woman?), but I did like the top section. Poor Ra’mon; his fitted anti-Goddess vision was a bad jigsaw puzzle of a dress. The contrasting pattern pieces were ill-placed, as judge Nina Garcia said, pointing awkwardly to the pregnant belly. But it was down to Mitchell and Malvin to fight it out for the most unflattering of maternity designs.

Mitchell Hall in the pregnancy challenge Mitchell’s looked like a trailer trash pregnant girl going to Vegas for a weekend! He even completed the look with an askew pigtail hairstyle. All that was missing was a cigarette from her mouth and a bottle of liquor in her hand. Those shorts were sewn so badly that even my first-quarter FIDM students have done better work!

But we all knew from the first sound of that kooky music back in the workroom that this would not be Malvin’s night. His hen-carrying-an-egg design ended up looking like a bizarre papoose as opposed to a conceptually chic ensemble. With that, he was sent home. Malvin tried to get the last word by saying he was “too conceptual for America.” Honey, keep telling yourself that, but I have a feeling that even in the hippest section of Tokyo, Berlin or Amsterdam, no pregnant girl would get this. But we will miss kooky Malvin and his unique creations.