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"Mean Girls": The Parsons Edition

By CaitlinBergmann Fri., Aug. 26, 2011 ,5:01 am EDT

Five things I learned from watching last night's episode:
1) Joshua M. is mean. OK, he's downright CRUEL.
2) Bert is also mean, but in a Bitchy Old Queen sort of way
3) Mean and bitchy gets you places … at least on "Project Runway"
4) Reality shows LOVE a villain ... or two!
5) A basic tank maxi dress can win in a fashion design competition! Who knew?

Viktor and Olivier hugRunning With Pattern Shears
After last week's "Dress Nina la Diva" episode, the remaining contestants woke up only to find boxes in their Atlas Apartments. I started to get the shakes, as this reminded me of my Season 2 "Figure Skating/Make a Costume for Sasha Cohen" Challenge, when we received boxes of snap-on body suits and leggings to wear during our ice skating outing. Oh happy times! No figure skating for these kids; they were going to the New Balance Track and Field Center at the Armory. Heidi and Tim were there to tell them that they would be working in four teams of three. They all had to do a lap around the field, and the fastest four would be the captains/team leaders.

Adios, Cecilia
Before H & T said "Go!", "Death-Warmed-Over" Cecilia was DONE: She decided to quit. Fab — one less person to write about! Bah-bye. BTW, can we have those shiny new HK New Balance sneakers back? Sans Cecilia, the remaining contestants do their lap. Olivier falls and passes out (will a PA please get him some Craft Service! Stat!), Heidi helps "old" Bert make it to the end (in 6-inch heels!) and then we find out the captains: Joshua, Bryce, Anthony Ryan and Viktor. Yes, kids, The Gays can do sports!

The Heidi Challenge
The captains then choose their team members: Joshua picks Anya and Becky; Bryce is with Kimberly and Danielle; Viktor picks Olivier, and Anthony Ryan and Laura Kathleen are left with Bert (uh-oh!). Since Viktor has only one companion, they bring back Joshua C. to even it all out (lucky him!). Heidi then finally announces this week's Challenge: create 3 cohesive looks for her HK New Balance sneakers. "Think fashion," "Think 'basic with a twist,'" she tells them. The prize: The winning look will be sold and manufactured online on Amazon.com as part of Heidi's line.

Joshua: "Mean Girls" Queen
Back at the Parsons Workroom, the "Mean Girls" captain, Joshua, begins his needless cruelty by belittling Becky's design ability and basically making her his seamstress. He continues this throughout their entire time together, saying that she's someone who "does dowdy dresses" and not someone he would consider a "style icon." Ouch. He also gets WAAAY too close to copying my fellow Season 2 veteran Zulema Griffin's quote of "I don't care if you gotta cry and cut, but CRY and CUT. Don't stop and cry!" Let's discuss Joshua for a second: There are times that I just want to say some of the cruel things he said last night (to people who shall remain nameless), but I happen to have a filter/edit mechanism in my brain — especially when there's a camera 10 feet away from me — which stops me from being so cruel (also, my mom taught me better!). In addition, it's the WAY he says it, his intonation. It's actually quite disgusting. I'm done with Joshua.

Viktor and Olivier hugOh, Bert!
Anthony Ryan and Laura join Joshua as members of "Mean Girls": The Parsons Edition by being quite dismissive of poor ol' Bert. But as it turns out, Bert is not helping matters by being incredibly uncooperative and sour and making condescending statements under his breath — basically, just being a bitchy old queen. He also cannot remember his own team players' names (Henry?? No, Bert, its Anthony Ryan). Bert seems to be forming his own chapter of the Mean Girls Club! Ah, Bert: Sometimes after nine hours of teaching 19-year-olds at a fashion institute and grading, draping and correcting pattern assignments for another 12 hours, well, I feel like being a "Bitchy Old Queen" and snapping at an unsuspecting student. But I do not; I know better. Also, what part of "You will have to work with people who are NOT from your generation and who do not have your background and expertise" did you NOT understand when you signed up for "Project Runway"? Instead of being a condescending sourpuss, it might behoove you to be cordial, be a team player, and later — after you finish filming and return to your home in L.A. — bitch with your "girlfriends" over a Liza Minnelli Tribute at some piano bar in the Valley! Trust me, that's what I did!!

Motorcycle Ridin' With a "Generic" Tank Dress
OK, let's discuss the Runway Day and the results. Heidi, Michael, Nina and the guest judge, the sublimely gorgeous model Erin Wasson, were there to see the results from "Mean Girls": The HK New Balance Sneakers fashion show. It was a mixed bag, naturally, considering all the dysfunctional behavior happening among some of the teams. The judges were all over the place with their comments and who they liked and did not like. There were two "best," according to Heidi (since, after all, it was HER Challenge): Viktor's gray dress and black motorcycle jacket was the winner, and "Joshua's Team" with "their" maxi dress (created by Anya, by the way) also won. I loved Viktor's, and that win was well-deserved. I understood the salability of "Team Joshua's" maxi dress, but seriously, that gets commended in a DESIGN competition? It's a two-piece tank dress!

A First: Camel-Toe Romper
At the very bottom was Danielle and her green top and skirt (yes, she did ANOTHER chiffon green top!) and Anthony Ryan's diapers-looking romper. Poor Anthony Ryan's design was the worst (in my eyes). Even Michael Kors told him, "You've achieved the impossible: Your shorts are big and tight at the same time. She has camel toe in big shorts." But he's too cute to go away — well, in "TV Land," anyway! In the end, it was mousy Leanne Marshall — I mean, Danielle — who went home for her "Chiffon Addiction." If I were Danielle, I'd be happy to just be away from that "Mean Girls" environment once and for all. Now, what shall we do about Bitchy Bert and Cruel Joshua? Unfortunately, they're still in the show. Oh, yes, lest we forget, reality TV loves a villain ... or two. Mean Girls rule!!! (I hope not).