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A "Project Runway" First!

By CaitlinBergmann Fri., Aug. 12, 2011 ,12:41 am EDT

It’s the first time ever in the history of “Project Runway!” Not the outside runway show, but the fact the not one garment in the episode had a single redeeming quality! They all sucked: the top three, the bottom three and the one in the middle. Picking the winner and loser was only a matter of choosing the ones that sucked the least and the worst. Even the judges had more criticisms than complements for the winning garment.

And whose idea was it to have creepy, malformed people as models? Don’t the producers know the circus scares people? The models did their best and tried to add some drama for the designers, but those stilts made it impossible for them to move gracefully. Their jerking motions were so distracting. On a runway, a models walk can make or break an outfit—these outfits didn’t stand a chance. This was not fashion illustration come-to-life; it was creepy freak show people with awkward artificial limbs.

The Ones That Sucked the Most

It’s official: I have broken up with Bert. Bert was obnoxious to Viktor. He made no attempt to work as a team from the start. He kept saying it wasn’t his design, and wasn’t his direction but it didn’t matter, the design was doomed at Mood when they chose the fabric.

I also had a problem with the way Josh treated Julie. It looked to me like Julie was making a huge effort to be a team player. She came up with a concept, did most of the work, took direction well, and was completely open to Josh’s need for tacky embellishments. It pissed me off when he told Heidi that if they were to lose, Julie should be the one to go. Choosing that tacky black and white zigzag fabric alone is an offense punishable by auf wiedersehen.

Bryce is obsessed with grain. Actually a bodice cut off grain will have some give and could actually fit better. If he saw that she was having trouble with the construction he should have stopped making his tutu and helped her instead of gossiping about her lack of training and the importance of cutting on the grain. And grain or not, there was nothing about that outfit that Bryce contributed that was successful. Fallene was tired and her spirit was broken and Bryce’s fabric grain lecture pushed her over the edge. Personally, I think Bryce let Fallene down, not the other way around. I laughed when she said she felt like there was a black cloud over her—there was! It was Bryce’s huge tulle tutu! For the second week in a row, I think Bryce should have been sent home.

The One That Sucked In the Middle

Olivier’s penchant for neutrals and Anya’s love of color met in a bad, bad place. The fabric was just ugly. It lacked the sophistication of Oliver’s somber palette and the vibrancy of Anya’s color.

The Ones That Sucked the Least

Cecilia and Danielle. WTF? The hair, the fabric, the color combination, the Mormon collar, the out-of-left-field jewels. I don’t get anything about it and I certainly don’t understand what Kim Kardashian got about it. In my season a talented designer named Allison was sent home because she sent a model down the runway with bad hair. This episode’s fashion was so bad that strange inflated hairdos have to be completely overlooked just to eek out a top three.

Kimberly and Becky’s entry was a USO costume. I half-expected “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” to start playing. The design was inspired by a collar bone tattoo. I am too distraught to even comment further.

Anthony and Laura produced a “Mad Max” feather-shouldered, red flowing number. Fine, give them the win. It was the best of the worst. If only because it looked the least circus like and their model was the most successful mover on the runway. It was gracious of Anthony to recommend Laura for the win. He’ll have other chances. I will be surprised to see Laura in the winners circle again.

I have singled out garments and labeled them the worst outfit on “Project Runway” to date, but for the first time in the history of “Project Runway”, I declare this the worst runway show ever.