Posted by chrismarch 12:00am GMT
For my final (finale) blog, I am going to make some predictions about the future of “Project Runway” and the Season 6 participants. (Editor's Note: Chris had not seen the complete finale when he wrote this post.)
I predict that:
• Logan will market a line of super-tight silver pants that have magical powers over women and gay men, and end up ruling the world.
• Nina Garcia will quit Marie Claire and become the editor of her own magazine called Ugly Green Dress, since she was obsessed with them this season.
• Michael Kors will become the new spokesperson for Florida Orange Juice.
• Season 6 will inspire the new Dr. Seuss movie, “Malvin Lays an Egg.”
• Irina wins the finale of Season 6 of “Project Runway,” only to discover no one in the fashion world wants to work with her. (Editor's note: Good call Chris about who won!)
• Althea will be named “Woman of the Year” by the Council of American Sheepherders.
• Nicolas, “the feather prince,” will make cheap, ugly-looking crow Halloween costumes for Heidi and Seal.
• Carol Hannah will become rich when she markets her smile as an artificial sweetener.
• Althea will knit covers for the North and South Poles, ending global warming and saving the planet. Until ... 
• Christopher cries so much in the next two years, he causes the flood that ends the world in 2012 in the movie “2012.”
• The judges will be so unimpressed with Irina, Carol Hannah and Althea’s finale collections, they will name Gordana as the winner.
• Epperson, Logan and Carol Hannah will open a studio together.
• Qristyl will start a new line of clothing for skinny girls called “Minus Sexy.”
• Tim Gunn will discover he is actually Heidi’s real father, after remembering “experimenting” once as a youth on vacation in Germany.
• Season 7 will start in January 2010, and everyone will be happy the show is back in New York City.
• Suzy Menkes will feature “Something About Mary” hair at the Season 6 finale. (Editor's note: Chris cheated on that so-called prediction because he'd seen her hair from the last episode of the show!)
• Bob Mackie will hire Shirin to be the designer of his new line, “Tacky Mackie.”
• Louise Black will win an Academy Award for best costumes in 2025 for a remake of the movie “Chicago,” starring Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift.
• Irina will be sued by Jillian Lewis from Season 4 for copying her collection, and will end up on the streets begging for beauty products.
• Heidi and Seal will have 26 more children and get their own reality show on TLC.
• Chris March’s book “I HEART CHRIS MARCH” (available now at www.chrismarchdesign.com) will become a New York Times best seller!
• Gay marriage will become legal in the United States, and Tim Gunn and Michael Kors ... No — even I can’t go there.
• Lifetime will produce a “Project Runway All-Stars Challenge 2010” and Chris March will finally win. Thanks for reading!
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 1:00am GMT
Finally the finale, with three little designers left in episode thirteen of "Project Runway." I can’t help but compare them to some famous trios--the witches from “Macbeth”; the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz”; and of course, “The Three Little Pigs.” As this week’s drama unfolds, we will find out who is cowardly, who is a witch and who is just a pig. The designers are sent home after their last challenge to create a 12-piece collection with a budget of $9,000 for Fashion Week at Bryant Park in New York. Irina starts the snarkery by saying that if the other girls are bringing the big guns, she is bringing a tank. She needs one to carry around that ego. Irina has set herself up in her own mind as the one to beat, which may be true, but nonetheless extremely unattractive. Ugh. Enough about her. For now.
Tim Gunn will, of course, visit all three of them, critique their collections and then do some bonding with their families, friends, whatever. Unfortunately, at this point, you could practically close your eyes and each of these could be any one of the 17 “Project Runway” designers Tim has visited over the other five seasons. Maybe that’s why I used human hair — to stand out a little in my season.
Carol Hannah is working on what looks like a dress-up collection for little girls in adult sizes, albeit in pretty hues of dark purple, moss green and dusty lavender. Irina lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (where else would her ego fit right in?) with the gayest poodle on Earth, Princess. Gayer than Clay Aiken’s poodle, gayer than Elton John’s poodle, even gayer than Tom Cruise’s poodle. Gayest. Poodle. Ever. She is working on a collection of knits in cheery colors of black, charcoal, ebony, gray, gray, gray, gray and gray. Irina, we learn, is doing all of this (being an independent-fashion-designer-chick turned competitive robot) to get Daddy’s love and approval. Face it, you’ll never get Daddy’s love and approval that way, and if you do, was it ever worth getting in the first place? I would like to quote Kara Saun from Season 1, who, during her finale feud with Wendy Pepper, warned her, “You sold your soul to get ahead, and you’re going to need it back one day.” Hmmmm ... I wonder if that rings a bell to Irina. Well, we’re off to Dayton, Ohio to see Althea and her collection. More enormous knits (now we know where all those sheep in “Brokeback Mountain” went) and sci-fi ready-to-wear abound. The most interesting thing about Althea is her cute boyfriend, Stuart, who better not mind the fact that Althea threw herself at Logan several times to distract him and get to the finals.
Irina just keeps up the Ice Princess bitchery by accusing Althea of stealing her designs once they get to New York. Don’t worry, Althea — she’ll huff and she’ll puff and she’ll try to blow your house down. The editing plays up the awkwardness between the two. Two? Where is Carol Hannah? Plot twist? Mystery? Disaster? Don’t worry, she’s just late because she has a “contagious” stomach virus. More like she’s nervous as hell and can’t keep breakfast down. She enters the catfight between these two knit-aholics like Bambi entering a slaughterhouse. I absolutely loved it when the camera caught Irina saying she really feels bad for Carol Hannah, but with this huge grin on her face. Busted.
Tim revisits their collections before the runway show, and can’t help but comment on the “Knit Wars” phenomenon. Oh, did I mention that Irina has been working and working on another “dead golden retriever” vest since she got to New York? A crime against my eyes AND the SPCA. Next: Tim, Tim, Tim, edit, edit, edit, matronly, matronly, matronly, cohesive, cohesive, cohesive, point of view, point of view, point of view, yada, yada, yada. I know it’s not Tim’s fault; he can’t say what he’s really thinking. He’d get arrested. The only thing really notable to me about the collections is this: Irina complains all the time about being copied ... does anyone else notice a distinct similarity between this and Jillian’s final collection from Season 4? The hats? The knits? The coats? Granted, Jillian’s was more diverse, colorful and wearable. Irina looks like she’s making the Jillian Lewis collection for Darth Vader in drag.
In a tiny new twist, Michael Kors and Nina Garcia visit the finale workroom. All I kept thinking was, I would be afraid of that orange makeup getting all over my collection. Nina tries to warn Irina that too much black is too much black, but Irina ain’t having it. She disagrees with Nina, a judge. Let me say that again: She disagrees with Nina, a judge. If she only had a brain. In a bigger and not-so-new twist, Tim and Heidi enter the workroom to announce a surprise. The finalists are going to have to make a 13th look, and they will get help from auf’d designers who are brought back and chosen by a button-bag draw. Gordana, Christopher and Logan are here to save the day, along with $250 to throw at this last-minute “challenge.” Carol Hannah picks Christopher (I hope her collection is Scotchgarded, because he cries a lot), Irina picks Gordana because she’s no fool, and Althea picks Logan, whom she can control because of his heterosexual weakness.
The episode breaks there in anticipation of next week’s Part 2. In the promos for next week? Carol Hannah is sick again, Tim is “losing it” and the winner will be chosen. For two of them, it will be “three strikes and you’re out.”
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 12:00am GMT
Am I totally shocked by the results of Episode 12? Yes and no. Before I go on, let me clarify what I mean by the title of this blog. For years and years at various jobs I have had, I have screamed at the top of my lungs at my bosses about the difference between “price” versus “cost.” Let me give you an example: Because you can get an ice cream sundae for half price, does it mean you should eat it every day? Sure, the price to you in the short term is a savings in dollars and cents, and the instant gratification of eating a yummy ice cream sundae — but what is the cost? The cost, in the long run, could be that you might gain a lot of weight and other health problems (including doctor bills), and thereby completely wipe out any money you saved on the ice cream. Plus, you can end up with what is referred to as “untold” damage. (I also like to think of it as “untolled” damage.) This is considered hidden problems that are not apparent right now, but rear their ugly heads later on down the road. OK, enough with the metaphors — what does this mean in “Project Runway” terms?
This week’s challenge — the last one, which determines who goes to New York Fashion Week — was strikingly similar to the same one on my season, Season 4. The designers go to a museum (the J. Paul Getty) and are given anything they can see to use as an inspiration for a look of their choice. They are given a $300 budget and two days to come up with the last thing the judges will see from them before Bryant Park. I remember this challenge very well, so let me try to give you an idea of the feelings and circumstances swirling around these last five designers. Five designers ... think about it: There were once 15 designers in that same workroom. It begins to feel eerily empty, like a ghost town. It is strangely quiet, filled with furtive glances as to what everyone is doing for the final showdown. Another thing you don’t realize as a viewer is that there is now one camera per designer. This means that in the past, the camera would come and go and leave you alone at times, and be right on you at other times. One camera is now with you ALL the time.
During this challenge, the cameramen get so close that they touch you with the lens. I warned my guy that if he kept touching me on my season, he’d get pushed out of way. Trust me, he did. This adds to the stress; you're completely under the microscope. Another thing about it being the last challenge is that it’s like a double-edged sword. You finally see the light at the end of the tunnel — you will be going home soon. On the other hand, you're so disoriented in this fishbowl, you'll actually miss it. You'll miss the people, Tim Gunn, the “summer camp” atmosphere and yes, even the cameras. The cameras that bug you also hold a promise: a promise of the fame and success to come.
I reflect on all of these things to give you an idea of how incredibly difficult and gut-wrenching this last challenge is. What if you made it through all of these challenges (for better or for worse) and something you are doing this very second could lose it all? Or win it all? A cold, hollow feeling, I can assure you. So the designers plunge ahead, making what could be the most important garment of their lives. And what did they come up with?
• Irina: Supposedly a diaphanous, ethereal gown, it came out more like heavy drapery slung over the model, and not helped by taste-free styling.
• Christopher: He moans and moans (and cries) about how he is such a great designer because he can see beauty in the unusual. I hate to tell ya, kid ... that is Job One for a designer. It is not an unusual talent; it is practically a required one. But here’s the deal: When you see beauty in the unusual, you have to be able to interpret it into something useful in the fashion world, not a flight of fancy for you to feel self-satisfied about. Harsh, I know. But I’m over it. So were the judges; he got eliminated.
• Carol Hannah: I (of course) loved her inspiration of the 18th-century French bed, but there can be pitfalls in using something so ornate as a basis for design. She did a fine dress ... not really from the inspiration, but a fine dress.
• Althea: I saw where she was going with this; it could have been amazing. I don’t understand why she faltered so badly with this construction. If the judges were honest (I’ll get back to that in a minute), she would have been eliminated on the basis of this dress. If you knew nothing else about this designer, you would think she had virtually no professional experience, and that even a student would have done better finishing. 
• Gordana: How beautiful it was to see Gordana put her heart and soul into the dress that should have easily won this challenge. The judges even said over and over that she was the only one who interpreted her inspiration (one of the most beautiful paintings of all time, from Monet’s Rouen Cathedral series) into the garment in a beautiful, subtle way. (Compare this photo with the one of the painting above.) Is this the most beautiful dress on earth? No, but it was so obviously the ONE. The one that was going to win ...
But why didn’t it win? Why didn’t GORDANA win for her dress? The judges never seemed to warm up to her. But in my opinion, she was the only one of these designers left who has amazing technical skills combined with an artistic beauty and vision that could really add a voice into the fashion world. Gordana is a clothing maker, yes, but she is also an artist. None of the other girls can come close to claiming this. I’m not even going to mention Christopher.
Perhaps by now you have realized I have left my sarcastic, funny, snarky shoes under the bed and have opted for a more serious tone for this particular writing. Maybe it’s because I am a little forlorn at the judges’ decision. Maybe I just identify with Gordana ...
And to go back to the difference between “price” versus “cost,” I’m sure you can figure out what I’m going to say. We all know what the price is of unjustly kicking Gordana Gehlhausen off, but what will be the cost?
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 12:00am GMT
There are only six designers left, so I thought I would answer some of my own questions about this episode and this season for you.
Chris March Q & A:
Chris: What was this week’s challenge?
Chris: Well, the designers have their backs to the runway (I’d be embarrassed, too, if I were them) before they find out they will have to make a companion piece to one of their winning looks ... except Logan — he has to make one for a losing look.
Chris: Was this another sucky midnight deadline with a hundred bucks?
Chris: Yup.
Chris: What bugged you about episode eleven?
Chris: For some reason, the fact that Althea had her hair in hot rollers drove me nuts (I don’t know why); Christopher is gonna make another parade-float disaster that looks like a Halloween costume for Strawberry Shortcake (see photo); Irina is being really bitchy to everyone; and there are lots of accusations about design-stealing this week. Who would steal one of these designs? Here is some advice: Steal GOOD designs.
Chris: How is Gordana doing this week? More self-confidence, like the judges wanted?
Chris: No, not really. But we did find out that she comes from poor dirt farmers in the old country, where she made dresses out of potatoes and rocks.
Chris: Did Christopher really buy 30 yards of cheap silver lining to make that astonishingly cheesy ball gown, about which Irina said, “Why is one dress throwing up the other?”
Chris: Why yes, he did. That Christopher, what a cute rocket scientist he is! He thought he could turn 30 yards of acetate crap into a winning look on “Project Runway” — that is just so adorable.
Chris: What are you going to call it — “Logan-Gate”? “Zipper-Gate”? “Ugly-Gate”?
Chris: Oh, you mean the whole thing about Althea accusing Logan of copying her Bob Mackie collar EXACTLY?
Chris: Yes. So what name to give it?
Chris: I’m going to call it “Get Over It–Gate.” Logan is a terrible designer even when he steals ideas. Let the poor guy steal away.
Chris: What’s your take on “Meana” Irina and Althea and their secret hush-hush bitch session hating on poor Logan?
Chris: I guess no Logan-babies for them!
Chris: We see Logan squeezing into his über-tight silver pants yet again for the runway.
Does he really think that he is so hot that the judges won’t eliminate him, just so they have some eye candy on the runway?
Chris: It’s worked for 10 challenges so far.
Chris: When is the runway coming? I’m getting bored talking to you ...
Chris: OK, OK — here are the runway descriptions I do every week, after I mention that the judges are Nick Verreos (Uncle Nick!), Nina Garcia and Kerry Washington. Washing-who?
• Carol Hannah: Black short puffy-skirted dress that, quite honestly, has gotten a lot of the other designers in trouble this season. But her cute smile makes it all OK with the judges.
• Althea: Bag-waisted pants (please don’t make a comeback!) and a gargantuan sweater make this a chic look ... so chic, Irina is fuming with envy and accusations. 
• Logan: This vampire dress for Barbarella for a movie that takes place on Planet Zipper is more of a sci-fi costume than his sci-fi costume for the Costume Challenge. Sorry, Logan, there ain’t pants tight enough.
• Irina: The sweaters just keep getting bigger, as Irina creates an outfit that is 80 percent sweater, 10 percent ugly tapestry hooker dress and 10 percent dead golden retriever. The total? 100 percent ’80s.
• Gordana: Yes, this outfit is ill-fitted and a little stark, but it is the only one of all the looks that could have actually been worn in public, unless you were attending a Halloween party at a homeless shelter. (See photo.)
• Christopher: 30 yards of ruffled silver lining, 200 yards of aluminum foil petals, a black halter top and no taste add up to this HORRENDOUS gown that no one would think could win. And it didn’t ... What can I say? He just likes being on the bottom.
Chris: So what happened?
Chris: Oh God, the judging was a mess this week, what with all the accusations, bitching, backstabbing ... and that was just from me.
Chris: Come on, spill it!
Chris: I guess the judges were upset about how many sheep and golden retrievers had to be killed to make Irina’s outfit — so they gave the win to Althea Harper.
Chris: Good. What about the bottom?
Chris: Whaddya think? The usual "Project Runway" suspects: Gordana (Heidi was extra cruel to Poor Dirt Farmer this week!), Christopher and Logan.
Chris: Who’s out? Who’s out?!!!
Chris: Well, we knew Logan Leitzel was going to be out, even if he shoved a potato down the front of his silver tight pants.
Chris: You mean Christopher didn’t lose this challenge with his Bed-Ruffle Couture fashion statement?
Chris: Nope.
Chris: I don’t believe it, Chris.
Chris: I don’t believe it, either, Chris.
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 12:00am GMT
Out of the mouths of babes — or in this case, Milla Jovovich, this week’s guest judge. She laments that if this were called “Project I Didn’t Mind It,” a lot of this week’s offerings would have been passable. I have to agree. I found Episode 10 to be like chewing gum when it came to the final designs: a good juicy beginning with the promise of a lot of flavor, but eventually you end up with something completely flavorless in your mouth that you need to spit out. I will try to focus on what went right this week with these designs.
See ya soon, Chris
OK, OK ... so maybe their stuff wasn’t all bad. And at least we got to follow the designers to Rodeo Drive to the Michael Kors flagship store, where he of the pumpkin-colored skin introduces the challenge: to design a look from one of his inspirations, a location. The designers get to pick, and they end up in these combos: Carol Hannah (Palm Beach), Nicolas (Greece), Althea (St. Tropez), Gordana (Park Avenue/New York), Irina (Aspen), Christopher (Santa Fe) and Logan (Hollywood). With $150 and a midnight deadline, these unlucky seven designers slog through the challenge. Almost like playing a gay version of Fantasy Football, I can imagine several designers from past seasons of “Project Runway” who would have gone a little more wild with these locations to inspire them (just off the top of my head, imagine Laura Bennett doing Park Avenue, Korto doing Santa Fe, Austin Scarlett or Uli doing St. Tropez, and ME doing Hollywood!). It would have been interesting to watch!
On to the workroom. While watching the designers I kept thinking, Who cares if Christopher hacks 20 inches off the hem of his pathetic attempt at a “Little House on the Pueblo” dress? Is Logan actually considering that pair of white pants and a black knit top a “Hollywood” design? What makes it Hollywood? Are there directions to rehab in the pockets? Nicolas is actually making a pair of gray wool pants and a white jersey top in response to the challenge of being inspired by Greece? Is he envisioning a Wal-Mart in Greece? Ugh ... I throw my hands up in disgust. I slapped my TV, but it didn’t help.
Let’s cut to the Runway:
(Thankfully, all of our favorites are back where they belong, as Michael Kors and Nina Garcia reclaim their seats on the runway, with the aforementioned Ms. Jovovich as guest judge.)
• Logan: Tighty-whitey pants, a blue tank and a black vest are supposed to scream “Hollywood.” But instead, they scream “JC Penney.” Michael Kors actually said, “They’re clothes, they’re not fashion.” Ouch.
• Althea: Bronze leather shorty-shorts with a tank and sheer chiffon flowing overshirt. Lovely, fine, passable. But not fabulous.
• Nicolas: Gray wool sad pants and a white cotton jersey top that closely resembles a straitjacket. He did mention having a breakdown earlier in the show.
• Carol Hannah: This Palm Beach–inspired palm-leaf-print macrame and flowing chiffon dress was easily the best of the bunch. Not mind-blowing, but easily the best. (See photo.)
• Christopher: What is with this loser? How does a sheer pale aqua top and a brown skirt over a white T-shirt dress with a Lion King belt say “Santa Fe”? It doesn’t — it says, “Go home and let somebody with talent take your place on the show.” Stop whining that you don’t have any design education — you make that perfectly clear every week. I am surprised the other designers just don’t throw rocks at him.
• Irina: This incredibly odd Aspen-inspired ski-lodge look is so many kinds of wrong, I don’t know where to start. Maybe with this: It’s not the ’80s anymore, and Alexis Carrington is not a fashion icon. She would have looked ravishing in this brown and tan symphony of cliches. It is made with fake fur, but PETA should throw blood on it just for being ugly.
• Gordana: Very nice gray, sophisticated, short bias-cut dress with a beautiful jeweled neck. This would have been a fine entry in a field of amazing designs, but in this group, it’s positively ingenious.
I was sure that there would be a twist this week — two top designs (Carol Hannah and Gordana) and four bottom designs (Christopher, Nicolas, Logan and Irina) after Althea was pulled out as safe. But oh no, not only was I wrong, but Irina Shabayeva was in the top, and actually won with this outfit that looked like her pet golden retriever died and she slung it over her shoulders to stay warm. Appalling.
The only good thing to happen on the runway? Christopher and Nicolas in the bottom two. (See photo of their designs.) Logan and his magically tight pants survive YET AGAIN ... (He should just manufacture and sell those pants — he would be a millionaire!)
I would have liked to see a little extra housecleaning take place, and watch Heidi send both of their sorry asses home. But only one went, and our beloved Feather Prince Nicolas Putvinski was sent to pack his junk and get out. Nicolas kept telling us (and the other designers) how fabulous he was. Maybe he’ll learn that actions speak louder than words.
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 12:00am GMT
There was a lot of screaming at the television at my house this week, both joyful and frightened. First, let me get my undying love, admiration and gratitude for Bob Mackie out of the way. Like many kids my age, we grew up with the weekly hour of nirvana titled "The Carol Burnett Show." I have often said that when Bob Mackie's incredible costumes would come on, I would lick the screen. OK, I don't do that anymore. But you must realize my excitement at the prospect of a Bob Mackie Challenge on episode nine of "Project Runway." Oh how I wish it had been on Season 4! I would have died! I have met him several times in my career, and he is one of the most lovely, generous and encouraging people you will ever meet. And then, after moving to New York in 2001, I was nominated for a Drama Desk award for Outstanding Costume Design in the same category with — you guessed it — Bob Mackie. What an insane honor!
Carol Burnett, Cher, RuPaul, Ann-Margret, Pink (yes, Pink!) — think of all the amazing people Bob Mackie has designed for, and the amazing things he has designed. Enough inspiration to blow your circuits. And how did the designers respond to this challenge? Just OK, I thought. It almost seemed like they couldn't connect with the concept of a stage-worthy costume ... but shouldn't they have some idea? Even relating it to extreme couture could have been one way to go about it. I guess I have to remember that I grew up in a world full of the "Cher" show, "Let's Make a Deal," "H.R. Pufnstuf," "Saturday Night Live" and the Muppets. Outrageousness was everywhere — look how I turned out!
So the designers had $300 and two days to come up with a performance look for one of Mr. Mackie's fabulous clients, Christina Aguilera. Finally, enough money and time to hit it out of the park. I blame part of this week's lackluster designs on the fact that they still don't seem to be taking all of this very seriously. Even when Christopher realizes, "There's only four challenges left!" he puts so little effort above and beyond what's necessary to get things done that it's disappointing ... and it shows on the runway. Everyone seems to be hating on Shirin, complaining that she is the one designer left who doesn't belong. She's whiny and untalented, and everyone is giving her the stink eye. She's in trouble, because she made the biggest mistake possible on "Project Runway" ... she went to Mood unprepared, bought a bunch of stuff and said she'd figure it out later. Uh-oh.
I see some promising things happening in the workroom. Althea is doing a long silver crisscross sequin gown that is so Bob Mackie I don't think she even realizes it (he uses that technique often). Nicolas, who should be peeing in his pants with glee over this challenge, is making a nice silver and white dress. Again. Carol Hannah has accidentally come up with a mishmash of black sequins, black matte fabric and black iridescent feathers that is actually stunning. She doesn't even know how she stumbled onto it.
Shirin is making a mess of so many different things, and Tim calls it "student work." She is confused to the point of starting over but then going back and making the original even more of a mess. (See photo.) Christopher, still dumb as a bag of dirt, has created his own challenge for his own celebrity, pretending that Miss Aguilera will be wearing his outfit singing a Cyndi Lauper song, so he designs it for her instead. It's a trainwreck no matter WHO wears it. And Logan (who seemed to swing back Carol Hannah's way this week) is truly a straight man lost in the fabulousness of gay beads, feathers and sequins. He is trying to make a "punk look" (as outrageous as he can get) but ends up making something Wilma Flintstone would wear to a sex club. He's going to have to feature full frontal nudity to keep from getting eliminated on this week's runway.
• Althea: Silver sequin gown slit up to here, with a train down to there. Pretty and stunning, with black ostrich-feather wrap.
• Logan: Zebra sequin Wilma dress with a torn piece of fur and three chains. He'd better leave his zipper undone if he hopes to make it.
• Shirin: Super-ugly dress for Elvira's bridesmaids.
• Christopher: Pouf-skirt breakaway dress with a third-rate Pussycat Dolls costume underneath. But he loves it!
• Nicolas: A perfectly fine and lovely dress. In fact, it's so fine and lovely that we've seen it before — on Renée Zellweger in "Chicago." Colleen Atwood would like her design back.
• Gordana: OMG!!! Her Eastern-bloc superpowers let her down this week with this atrocious cream beaded and satin sack. Thank goodness she had immunity!
• Irina: Some sort of black satin coat over black sequin lingerie. Yawn.
• Carol Hannah: Accidentally gorgeous black-on-black-on-black gown. Bob Mackie is stealing this idea already. Very couture! (See photo.)
The judges are "the Mackie," Nina Garcia and Christina Aguilera herself. They call out Irina as safe, and Gordana gets a scolding for her sad, bad beaded dress, but is safe with immunity (whew!). Rightfully, they love Carol Hannah Whitfield's's black beauty, and give her the win.
Luckily for Christopher and Logan, Shirin' Askari's Gothic disaster is too much for the judges to excuse, and she gets the auffing. Logan zips up and leaves the runway, safe again.
To close, I would like to quote Mr. Mackie, who had one of the funniest lines in "PR" history: "You put diamonds on the crotch and you're home free!" My sentiments exactly.
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 1:00am GMT
This week the designers are faced with a challenge that mixes several past challenges together, with mixed results: the wedding dress challenge from Season 1, the "remake the old clothes of weight-loss clients" from Season 4 and just about any "client-based" challenge from any season. And yet again, the poor designers only get until midnight to complete another look.
A scary procession of divorcees (I prefer the much gentler term "former brides") parade out from behind the scrim in what can only be described as an avalanche of hideous white wedding dresses. What possesses women to wear the ugliest imaginable frothy polyester fabrication on their wedding day? Let's face it, if gays could marry, the dresses would be FABULOUS!
Each designer chooses a client (along with their hideous dress) as if facing a firing squad. I don't blame them, although I was entertained throughout this episode with ideas of what I would do if faced with this dilemma. They get a whole $25 and 15 minutes at Mood, and the caveat that they can only buy two additional yards of fabric, because the core of the look must be made from the old wedding dress. These are supposed to be chic, hip, wearable looks to help the ladies transform into their new lives. With all that white fabric, I envisioned a lot of nurses, ballerinas, lab technicians and nuns on the runway. I was close.
The workroom is buzzing with frustration, as a lot of the designers didn't have set ideas when shopping at Mood, and now are facing a worktable full of "What have I done?!!" Especially poor Shirin, who not only got the simplest wedding dress with the least amount of fabric, but also got a wacko client who wants to look like Cher in "Half-Breed." Complete with feathered headpiece? Don't get me wrong — it's one of my favorite all-time looks by Bob Mackie. (We'll get to him next week. OMG!! Bob Mackie is the guest judge next week!!! OMG!!) OK, I'm calmer now. But poor Shirin gets lost in this woman's pushiness and forgets a designer's best tool: the word "NO."
Everyone is struggling. Epperson is making a very strange kimono-thing, Logan better leave his shirt off on the runway if he expects to make it with his misguided tweed pants and ruffled vest, and Shirin is seriously in the weeds with Cher. In a very touching moment, Tim tries to rally the tear-covered Shirin by advising her to clear her table, take everything off the mannequin and start over. As usual, great advice from Tim, as Shirin comes up with a clever idea to embroider her own pattern onto the fabric, and leaves Cher on the Billboard charts where she belongs. The worst thing in the room is (self-admittedly) being made by Nicolas, who somehow escapes any retribution for his granny-shawl pantsuit. Ugh. Ooooh, wait! I think he is being out-uglied by Christopher and some sort of metallic pouf gown. It's a battle!
On the runway ... Michael Kors must be in a battle with Carrot Top for the title of "Most Orange Celebrity." Michael Kors is winning. He is with Zanna Roberts from Marie Claire, and guest judge Tamara Mellon from Halston (hey, wait, didn't MK used to design for them?). Here come the brides: 
• Irina: Beautiful bronze-brown dyed lace cocktail dress with a sash that embodies the idea of a true transformation of the materials. No wonder they are all hating on her.
• Shirin: She pulls out a cute, embroidered Empire-waist day dress with no Cher in sight. There will be plenty of that next week!!! (Did I say Bob Mackie? OMG!!!)
• Logan: Even Logan, his abs AND his tight silver pants have no power to distract from this super-amateur pairing of badly made tweed pants and some sort of weird waitress-at-an-ice-cream-parlor vest. Huh?
• Carol Hannah: Without the little bolero, I loved this dyed-and-shredded-tulle cocktail dress in an interesting gray-purple color. Why was this overlooked? It was easily the most joyful and modern of all the looks.(See photo.)
• Althea: Somehow she managed to make a wedding dress look like a denim patchwork country and western costume. Yee-haw! I mean yuck.
• Nicolas: OK — dark green pants, a rust camisole with lace trim, and a beige lace-and-crochet jacket make this one of the strangest things to walk the "PR" runway. When will Nicolas start making the great stuff he constantly brags about?
• Gordana: She dyed, shredded, frayed and tore the fabric into strips, and reconstructed it into a beautifully fitted and chic cocktail dress. Will she finally get some kudos for her work?
• Christopher: Poor, delusional Christopher keeps cheerfully making things that he insists are fabulous, only to hear the opposite from the judges. Another total shock this week, as this incredibly ridiculous Jiffy Pop, Hefty bag, wrinkled metallic balloon '80s prom dress with a sash was — hmmm, let's see — HATED by the judges. (See photo.) I was shocked Michael Kors did not utter the words "taste level."
• Epperson: Lost in a funk, he created a "Mahogany"-like kimono dress that looked like bedsheets with a waist-cincher. Things are not looking good for him.
The top ends up being Irina, Gordana and Shirin (good for you, Shirin!), and standing at the gallows waiting to be eliminated are Logan, Christopher and Epperson. The judges finally give Gordana Gehlhausen her due, and the challenge win for episode eight. Perhaps she threatened them with government secrets.
I say all three of the bottom contenders should have gone, just for lack of having a clue, if nothing else. But only one could go, and it was Epperson. For some unknown reason, they keep holding on to Christopher, but we know why they keep holding on to Logan. Because they want to hold on to him.
I will squeal one last time — Bob Mackie next week as a guest judge!!!! Glamour, beads, feathers and sequins too!! I want to crawl into the TV screen and be a designer on this challenge ...
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 2:00am GMT
Things seem to be tightening up this episode, as there are only 10 designers left, and the challenges seem to be getting shorter and shorter. This week, the designers only get until midnight to make two pieces, with $100, 15 minutes to sketch, and only 20 minutes at Mood. What will it be next week? A 15-piece collection with $1.50, four minutes to sketch, and 37 seconds at Mood? As we saw last week, no time and no money makes for a lackluster runway show ... But this week, there's another catch: teams. Teams of two to make two looks to fit in with the Macy's INC line. The looks must be all one color: blue.
It's time to play musical roommates as Logan has to move in with the other boys (sounds like a cheap gay-porno plot) — but wait, wasn't Logan hot for Carol Hannah on last week's show? It seems he has already moved on to Althea, much to the chagrin of the gay male audience. The new-roommate thing seemed much more promising.
The designers have to pitch their ideas to a Macy's exec, who will choose team leaders, who will in turn choose team partners. The pairs are (leaders first): Irina and Gordana, Althea and Logan, Carol Hannah and Shirin, Christopher and Epperson, and Louise and Nicolas. I smell some trouble in a couple of these teams. At Mood, there's a whole lotta blue goin' on, Louise loses her money and her marbles, and the tightening deadline looms.
Back at the FIDM workroom, true colors start to fly as the conflicts become more and more evident. Do Gordana and Irina really get along? No. Is Irina acting like a total be-yotch? Yes. Is Althea trying to steal Logan and his abs away from Carol Hannah? Yes. Are Christopher and Epperson their own mutual admiration society? Yes. Does it make me gag? Yes. Does Nicolas actually hate Louise and her ruffles? Yes. Let's go to Nicolas for the quotes ...
"I hate ruffles. Ruffles make me sick."
"Ruffles were created to hide flaws."
"Ruffles are the downfall of mankind."
All right, I made up the last one. But I don't see what he's so upset about. Ruffles are delicious — I love potato chips.
We are treated to some workroom strangeness when Tim comes in wearing — wait — blue jeans, a blazer and no tie? Is Tim going all "California" on us? Did he have avocados for lunch? Louise is chirping away, making bird noises as she works. I told you she lost her marbles. She's going to lose this challenge too, if she doesn't do anything about the ugly ruffled nightmares she's working on. She figures out that it was not a good idea to choose Nicolas as a partner, because he has immunity, and if they end up in the bottom two, she will be eliminated. Duh. Apparently she has never seen the show before. Or the inside of a Macy's.
Christopher and Epperson are on Cloud Nine ... They love each other, they love what they've made, and Tim informs them that they have "reinvented the shirtdress." Well, yes. They turned it into a clown costume. Watching this, I sensed the editors going overboard to convince us all was well in paradise. I was proven right when we saw Heidi say this during the teaser for upcoming scenes: "Which is worse — the pumpkin disco ball or the shower-curtain nightie?" Oh Heidi, you are so subtle, that's why we love you.
Michael Kors has returned to the runway, in resplendent shades of pumpkin, flame, peach, coral and tangerine. In other words, as orange as hell. With a newcomer from Marie Claire, Zanna Roberts, and Macy's executive Martine Reardon as the guest judge. Heidi wakes us up with the threat that one or more of the designers will be out, so let's start the show:
Irina/Gordana: A floaty striped chiffon summer dress that reminded me a lot of Jillian's Prom Dress ... an OK shirred-looking chiffon top with piratey sleeves, and a tight skirt was a little underdone.
Althea/Logan: A suit look with a totally hoochie skirt that made its way to a wardrobe malfunction as the model walked away from the judges ... an ill-fitting charmeuse top with knotted detail (?) that threatened another malfunction up top, paired with out-of-date wide-leg jeans.
Louise/Nicolas: Hideous ice-blue dress with dark blue chiffon ragged ruffles bleeding down the front from some sort of fabric accident ... The second dress was unfortunately similar, with the reverse color palette.
Carol Hannah/Shirin: Great blue draped-neckline blouse with high-waisted skirt ... tunic top with rope trim and leggings topped with a huge belt. Obviously the best of the group. But that's not saying too much.
Christopher/Epperson: Striped shiny, shiny shirtdress ... teal balloon clown top complete with ruffle at the neck, appropriate for Bozo's wife.
Heidi calls forward Althea and Logan, and tells them they are safe. They probably went and got a room. In the top are Irina/Gordana and Carol Hannah/Shirin. Well, that leaves our dream team of Christopher/Epperson in the bottom with Louise and Ruffle-hater Nicolas. Irina Shabayeva was the winner, and — well, we knew it would happen — Louise Black and her unwearable potato chip dresses were out. But was Christopher safe? Yes. He turned on the waterworks, promising hours of more dramatic television. And, hopefully, more dramatic designs.
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 1:00am GMT
Los Angeles plays a major part in this episode yet again, as Heidi explains that this challenge is all about what L.A. is known for. Tanning? Boob jobs? Rehab? No ... Hollywood!!! If I had been on this season, you would have seen me smile from ear to ear when Tim announced this challenge for episode six. To create a movie costume based on a film genre, AND you get to create the film character and develop their background story. Hallelujah! A super-creative, no-holds-barred, wild and wonderful over-the-top challenge that will show us what these designers are really made of! My excitement, however, was slightly premature ....
Not to spoil anyone’s good time, but I was SORELY disappointed in what ended up on the runway this week. Was it fashion? No. Was it costume? No. Was it anything that could actually be in a Hollywood movie? No. I thought (unfortunately) that what was produced for this week’s show was strictly, as one of Tim’s most damaging phrases warns, “student work.” Maybe I expected too much, but this is Hollywood, and the stakes are too high not to be exceptional. How did this happen?
I think this challenge (with $150 and another midnight deadline) was done a disservice. More money and time could have (hopefully) produced less panic-stricken pieces and more thought-out wow-factor phenomena. But thus is the nature of the game, so let’s play it. And the categories are:
Film Noir: Irina, Althea and Louise
Action/Adventure: Logan, Carol Hannah
Science Fiction: Ra’mon, Nicolas
Period Piece: Gordana, Christopher
Western: Shirin, Epperson
What would we think from this lineup? Louise is in her element, Epperson is stuck with Western (the dreaded category no one wanted), and Ra’mon and Nicolas have free reign to bring on the freaky. Hmmmm ... and what about Logan and Carol Hannah choosing the same genre, having workroom tables together and having formed a strong bond over the past few shows? I’ll take “showmance” for a hundred, Alex. We knew that the new producers of the show must have something up their sleeve ... could it be the first on-camera romance in “Project Runway” history? Will there be infra-red nighttime cameras that catch them whispering under the sheets together, just like on “The Real World”? Torrid glances over the sewing machines? Will Tim have to intervene with a bucket of water? Tune in next week for more steamy scenes from “Logan and Carol Hannah Plus Nine.”
Meanwhile, back at the workroom, the designers are told by Tim to figure out their characters: Who is she? What does she do? Why is she wearing these clothes? Why am I a 55-year-old man who wears nothing but suits? Carol Hannah notices that Logan is “really hot” before the trip to Mood, where Nicolas finally buys some FEATHERS!!! Princess finally gets his wish and leaves Mood with a bag full of white ostrich plumes ... I am waiting to be impressed. The vibe on the show is getting pretty competitive, as the designers are noticing the talented are remaining and the not-so-talented are gone. Pressure. Stress. Bitchiness.
Some are on their way to disaster: Ra’mon, whose idea of Sci-Fi is so ’50s B movie it’s laughable, and Louise (Louise? Doing a Film Noir–inspired costume? What could she possibly do wrong?), who has been warned not to make another boring, under-the-radar offering for the runway. After the models come for a fitting, Ra’mon is in trouble with a capital T when his “Lizard Hooker on a Budget” costume gets a unanimous thumbs-down from the entire workroom. With two hours left, he must make something new. Gordana is working on what looks like a lovely ’20s flapper dress, Shirin and Epperson are getting their ruffles on in the Western section, and Nicolas is making a white Space Queen costume (wait, where are those feathers?) for a high school production of “Star Wars on Ice.” I am sorry, but this week’s workroom is where cheap and tacky have gone to die.
The morning of the runway, the pressure is on while everyone scrambles to get their looks done while avoiding commitment to an institution, and bad last-minute decisions are made. (See, this is where I wanted everyone to have more time to give their creativity and skills a chance, but no, Heidi is a tough taskmistress!) It’s time for the runway ... and in my opinion, one of the most disappointing.
Michael Kors and Nina Garcia ... remember them? They are becoming a distant orange memory as John Varvatos and Zoe Glassner from Marie Claire are the pod people who took their places this week, and the guest judge is Arianne Phillips (Hollywood costume designer and longtime Madonna stylist, whom I had the pleasure of speaking to several thousand times on the phone during my Madonna project a few years ago).
Lights! Camera! Runway!
• Shirin: Totally goofy saloon-girl costume that you would rent for $20 to go to a Western-themed birthday party. For a five-year-old.
• Irina: Bias-cut black silk-charmeuse ’30s gown with lace insert panels — easily the most complicated to make and most beautiful of all the looks. But with immunity, they didn’t care. You could see Angelina Jolie slinking up to Brad Pitt in this one.
• Louise: Any one of Louise’s outfits from other challenges would have fit this category better — this is a black and nude mess that is difficult to define as anything but confusing.
• Carol Hannah: Comic-book Bettie Page from the future (if the future is invented by Russ Meyer). Slutty, slutty, slutty. Michael Kors, where are you when we need you??!! (See photo.)
• Logan: Fairly well done leather-look “Blade Runner”/”Road Warrior” gal from the future. Or the East Village. Take your pick.
• Christopher: The praise heaped on this heap of crap was laughable. Not only could something this poorly made NEVER be in a movie, it would get the costumer fired. And put in front of a firing squad. The judging of this piece made me furious. (Can you tell?)
• Gordana: A quite serviceable beaded flapper gown — they gave her crap for it being too simple. Apparently none of them have struggled with fully beaded fabric and beaded fringe. She deserves a medal for finishing this dress so perfectly in that amount of time. For some reason, the judges won’t give Gordana a break.
• Epperson: If Eppy was going to make a full-on granny ruffle dress out of denim, why did he stop short of getting out the Bedazzler and glitter puff paint? They loved this dress, which belongs in the touring production of “Little House on the Prairie on a Budget.”
• Nicolas: White. Cheap. Tacky. Lace. Glue. Bird poop in the model’s hair. My nine-year-old niece could have made this with a thrift-store bridal dress and some lace scraps and a glue gun. And a blindfold.
• Ra’mon: Oh Ra’mon. “The Hooker from Planet Crocodile” is the easiest (and nicest) way to describe this dress. He covered his model in glue and rolled her around in scraps on the floor. Done!
My disappointment continued with the judging, as the White Bride of Outer Space from Nicolas Putvinski won the challenge (with no feathers in sight!), Christopher’s “Victorian” Bloodsucker Bride was heaped with compliments (Oy vey!), and Epperson’s “Annie Get Your Gun and Shoot Whoever Made You Wear This Dress” offering was praised as fashionable and original. (See photo.) They even said he “went there.” Where? Where he SHOULD have gone was to the bottom, with Louise, Ra’mon and Gordana.
If ever there was a dress that was safe on “Project Runway,” it was Gordana’s flapper dress. They must hate her. Probably because she despises their capitalist weakness.
It comes down to Louise and Ra’mon, and I’m hoping it’s Ra’mon Lawrence Coleman who gets eliminated, because I am tired of typing that apostrophe all the time. My prayers are answered: His green slime Croc-tail dress gets the ax, and I won’t have to type Ra’mon ever again.
Let’s hope next week lives up to the trailer ...
See ya soon,
Chris
Posted by chrismarch 8:00am GMT
This week's episode is notable for a few reasons ... first, a fun creative challenge using unconventional materials. Second, Tim Gunn has some unusually strong and out-of-character (for the show) comments. Third, there is a big fat fight between designers on the runway. Plus, this week it seems like old-style reality TV, when Johnny just decides that he doesn't care how he looks, what he does (or doesn't do) or how badly he shoots himself in the foot on camera. These days, reality contestants are usually too self-aware to really let it all hang out, for better or for worse. Kind of refreshing. For us.
So, Tim takes the designers to the Los Angeles Times, where they have three minutes to gather piles of newspaper to use as the material for this challenge. With midnight as the deadline, this could be really interesting. In the workroom, Tim gives a little history lesson about the origins of paper clothing, explaining that the first paper dress was designed in 1968. Yes, my mother had a fabulous shocking-pink paisley-print paper party dress, and yes, I used to love to play in it. I am that old. I remember thinking that paper clothing would never really catch on. I was right. It caught fire instead.
Some of the designers are wrapping their heads around this challenge better than others (which is what I love about this type of challenge: If you're creative, you're creative. And if you're not, this is when is shows). Nicolas seems to be lost (after all, there are no feathers involved), Johnny is losing it when he describes his "dress" as a beautiful draped and twisted "Dior." Actually, it looked more like something Wilma Flintstone wore in a mud-wrestling match. And lost. Poor Johnny. Then they all gang up on Shirin, who is channeling her inner child by playing with her dress, naming her mannequin and probably eating paste. The stress is getting to these people.
Tim comes in to rip them to shreds, and starts by telling Gordana that her political propaganda dress is "ho-hum." Irina has made one dress, then another, then tells Tim that she wants to chuck them all to make a trench coat with six hours left (!). Poor Johnny (you can't help but call him that in this episode) is beaten to a pulp by Tim's criticism that his dress is:
A) A craft project gone awry
B) Something that looks like it was attacked by birds
C) Made by kindergartners
D) All of the above
E) Tim would never be so mean
The answer is D, "all of the above." And yes, Tim was extra mean this episode. Just wait. Meanwhile, Tim also hates on Nicolas and his '90s punk (punk?) look, and actually likes Christopher's feathered ball gown. Nicolas must be jealous of Christopher's use of feathers. After all of this, Johnny starts what will turn into a huge lie about his dress getting ruined in a steaming accident, and starts over on a new dress.
Here is where Johnny just gets weirder and weirder, seemingly oblivious to the cameras, microphones or the fact that this will end up on television forever. He spins the tale larger and larger as he works on a new dress, then ironically runs out of steam and stops to do a crossword puzzle with midnight only moments away. (Yes, I slept on the show, but my clothes were FINISHED.) Everyone goes home for the night, laughing at Johnny behind his back, bashing him up, down and sideways for his pitiful dress and pitiful lack of ambition. He is going to get torn apart on the runway.
The morning of the runway, Tim comes in to tell the designers that he is disappointed in their work, and they seem to have "stalled out." When Tim tells you that, it hurts. Believe me. Althea and Ra'mon have secret gossip about how bad they think Irina's trench coat is, and Johnny and Nicolas are super-catty, with Johnny referring to Nic's dress as "dinosaur chic." I have to say I agree with Johnny. About the dinosaur part, not the chic part. (See photo.) Let's see what these newspaper dresses deliver on the runway:
• Logan: Asian-inspired sheath with fan accents ... cool because he used dye to transform the paper into a bamboo-like print fabric.
• Nicolas: Whackadoodle dress with spikes, straps, stripes and a lobster-tail skirt. Where are my matches?
• Christopher: Gray hard-shell princess bodice with a full skirt of hand-cut paper feathers. A contender ... take that, Nicolas!
• Ra'mon: Boring but pleasant two-piece ensemble.
• Epperson: Japanese origami dress with huge fortune-cookie wing sleeves. If a breeze comes up, she's gonna take off like "The Flying Nun."
• Johnny: "I did a crossword puzzle instead of working on my dress." And it shows. Does he know what "auf Wiedersehen" means?
• Gordana: Russian precision applied to a boring, very '80s design. Probably has microfilm hidden in it.
• Carol Hannah: How do you make your model look like she's wearing a print bra-top while standing in a pile of orange garbage? I'm running out of matches.
• Shirin: Hallmark honeycomb table centerpiece made of newspaper. Cute and funny, but not in a good way.
• Irina: Amazing black and white trench coat with faux Persian lamb collar and cuffs, and trompe l'oeil stitching details. Did I say amazing?
• Althea: Well-fitted sheath with interesting use of architectural print.
• Louise: Eek! Minnie Mouse styling completes a goofy look with a shingled-roof circle skirt and curlers choking her neck. Tear-able. (I couldn't resist using that pun somewhere.)
Michael Kors and Nina Garcia must be somewhere trying on high heels together, because neither showed up this week for the judging. Again. Tommy Hilfiger and Zoe Glassner from Marie Claire fill in, and the guest judge is Eva Longoria Parker from "Desperate Housewives." The key word here is "desperate." Let's skip to the good parts — Irina, Christopher and Althea are in the top three, while Nicolas, Johnny and Gordana end up in the bottom.
The fun part of this judging (because the winner and the loser were SO obvious) was when Johnny continued his pathological lie about the tragic steaming accident in front of Heidi and the judges. One thing you better learn is that Heidi is a human lie detector, and she gets to the bottom of this whole fiasco by asking Nicolas why he is shaking his head in disbelief. 
Nicolas describes how ugly the first dress was, that there was no "accident" and that Johnny is just a big fat liar. Johnny cattily thanks him for throwing him under the bus, and calls him a jerk. Oooh, fun!
Well, let's face it, Irina Shabayeva was going to win with her incredible trench coat, and Johnny was going to lose with his big fabrication and ugly dress.
But for a shocking ending (at least to me, and I bet a lot of other viewers), after he sends Johnny Sakalis up to clean his table, Tim bursts out to the other designers that he couldn't believe how blatantly Johnny lied his ass off in front of the judges! Way to go, Tim!
Just another page in "Project Runway" history.
See ya soon,
Chris
