My friend is hosting another one of those parties where you're supposed to buy a bunch of kitchen gadgets you neither want nor need. She cajoled me into attending, and now that I am here, she is pushing me to buy. "C'mon, there's got to be something you could use," she urges brightly. Wimp that I am, instead of just saying no, I select the least expensive thing — a wooden something-or-other that apparently can be used to shape mini tarts. (Because, heaven knows, you can never have too many wooden mini-tart shapers.) I go home irritated with my friend, but even madder at myself. Why did I let myself get bossed around?

It's hard to stand up to pushy people. And the holiday season seems to bring out their pushiness even more. Often, it's easier to cave than to confront; these assertive types can be intimidating. But there is a downside to giving in too often. Beyond the obvious stress and inconvenience, there may be consequences for your physical and emotional health, says Linda Hatzenbuehler, Ph.D., a professor of clinical psychology at Idaho State University. These can include stomachaches, high blood pressure, and lower back pain, as well as depression.

So if you don't know what to do the next time your neighbor is sure you wouldn't mind watching her kids, follow these instructions.

 

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Defer the decision: "Gosh! Gotta go!"
When my kitchen-gadget friend approached me, I said yes because I couldn't think of an excuse quickly enough. If, like me, you're not so fast on your feet, arrange to talk later, after you've figured out what you want to say. "You have competing pressures when asked to do something you don't want to do," says Mark R. Leary, Ph.D., director of the social psychology program at Duke University. "One part of you wants to please the other person; another part wants to meet your own needs. You need time to weigh the pros and cons."

Assertive answer: "Sounds like fun, but I have to check a few things. Can I call you tomorrow?"

Have a plan: "What if we do it this way?"
Carla Ann Mowry, 46, a stay-at-home mom from Omaha, Nebraska, knows to expect the full-court press from her in-laws whenever a holiday rolls around — Fourth of July, Christmas, you name it. "They expect us to spend the entire day at their house, from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m.," she says. If, like Mowry, you know that someone has certain expectations of you, prepare in advance. "Review situations that have gone badly in the past and practice how you will respond next time," says Hatzenbuehler. "This may feel stupid, but it works: Write a script and try it out on a friend. State politely what part of the request you can meet and what you cannot — and promise yourself that you won't back down."

After all, why should someone else always come first? "There may be times when the other person's needs are greater than yours," says Margaret Clark, Ph.D., a professor of social psychology at Yale University. "But there's nothing wrong in putting your needs high up there."

Assertive answer: "Unfortunately, we can't get to your house until 4:00. But we'll be happy to bring some cupcakes for the kids."

Show understanding: "I'm really sorry, but there's nothing I can do."
When Barbara Yoakum, 44, a travel agent in Los Angeles, gets a call from a certain client, she knows lunacy is sure to follow. "He insists I get him plane upgrades for free," she says. "Once, when he was late to the airport, he wanted me to call the airline and make them hold the flight for him!" If you can bear it, step back and imagine where the other person is coming from: Often, people get pushy because they're afraid their needs won't be met. Show them that you can relate to the fear and frustration — but you can't solve the problem. "When you offer some respect and understanding, you acknowledge that the other person has a right to his position," says Hatzenbuehler. "That goes a long way toward making him respect yours." And if the person just won't give it a rest? "Keep saying that you understand his viewpoint, but you can't fix the situation," says Leary.

Assertive answer: "You must be so excited about this trip! I'm going to do everything I possibly can, but you know there are certain things I can't control." If you need to put a stop to the requests, try this: "I see why you're disappointed. But I've done everything I can. I'm sorry."

Strategize for the future: "Let's fix this for next time."
"My boss used to wait until the last minute before I went on vacation to give me 12 things to do," says Angela Revell, 31, now a stay-at-home mom in Nashville. "It was so irritating; I could almost set my watch by it." When you need someone to stop doing something, you must be very specific in telling him what you see as the problem. Then enlist his help in finding a solution. "Talk about the behavior you would like him to change — not about his characteristics and traits," says Leary. "And don't be vague; give him something concrete to act on."

Assertive answer: "I have three hours before I leave. Can we prioritize this list and figure out what can wait until I get back? And when I return, it would be really helpful if we could talk about how to avoid this last-minute crunch next time."

Stay positive, but speak firmly: "Thanks, but I'll let you know when I need help."
It can be hard to be civil when the other person isn't. Cheryl Butler, a 41-year-old journalist in Saunderstown, Rhode Island, was shopping for a jacket for her husband when she encountered the saleswoman from hell. "I had narrowed it down to two, neither of which the saleswoman liked," Butler recalls. "She made it clear she thought I had bad taste. She was sighing, rolling her eyes, and being very obnoxious."

Even when you're provoked, don't match nastiness with nastiness or the encounter will spiral downward. Don't yell and don't whine; do speak clearly and firmly. "Your words and how you say them will influence your emotions and set the tone for the interaction," says Sharon Bower, M.A., coauthor of Asserting Yourself. "It's difficult for you to stay calm if your words are inflammatory."

Assertive answer: "Thanks for your suggestions. I'll let you know when I need help." Then turn your back and go about your business. And if she still won't let go? If it's a face-to-face encounter, walk away. If you're on the phone, say, "I am hanging up now." And then do it.

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