Family & Friends
How I Became a "Nag"
One woman realizes that becoming a mom turned her into a stereotypical henpecking wife.
David promised me that he'd find an orthodontist for our ten-year-old daughter, Emily, after her dentist warned that she might end up losing a couple of her adult teeth if we didn't get her in treatment soon. Since I was facing a work crunch and had more than my share of household and child care tasks, I'd asked David if he'd do the research to find an orthodontist and then ferry Emily to whatever appointments were necessary. He agreed.
Okay, maybe he had agreed a little reluctantly, and I had pressured him a bit (I do so much around here, can't you just do this?). But given that David is the son of a dentist and knows the difference between an incisor and a canine and has a genuine interest in such issues as whether palate expanders need to be removable, I figured he was better suited for this task anyway. Maybe, I reasoned, he'd even get enthused about handling it.
It's weeks later, though, and David admits he hasn't made a single call.
"But I sent you an email yesterday and you said you'd do it that day. What happened? Why didn't you do it? You said you were going to do it!" I say.
"I forgot," he bristles. "You know it's not so easy for me to make calls during my work day!"
"But I reminded you yesterday and you said you'd do it then," I repeated. I'd also reminded him six times before, but who's counting? "I even sent you a list of a few orthodontists and phone numbers. Why say you are going to do it if you're not going to do it?"
"I am going to do it. This week."
"You've been saying that for weeks! Why can't you just do this one thing? Emily's teeth are going to be a mess if we don't do this! Do I have to do it? Do I have to do everything?"
I know I am repeating myself, but right now, I am like a dog with a bone - I can't give up. I start talking over my husband who is saying he is overworked, he just forgot. I'm acting as though he does nothing in this house, and why am I making such a big deal of this, he is going to do it tomorrow!
But I don't stop talking until he suddenly lowers the boom. "Stop nagging! You're nagging. I said I'm going to do it!"
Suddenly, my face gets hot. I'm furious, and embarrassed, as the image of a nag-housewife in curlers, barking orders at her beleaguered husband - is conjured in my brain. "I am not a nag. I'm not nagging!" I sputter. "Why don't you.....can't you...just do it when you say you're going to do it?"
He says this time he will, and we both get very quiet.
I am not exactly sure what is going through my husband's head, but I am thinking, how did I - or we - become a stereotype?
Sweepstakes
comments
I also find it a sad and scary thing that there are so many well educated women with such little emotional intelligence and such a lack in common sense! I am also so tired of hearing & seeing people publicly write things that adds to others lack of emotional intelligence & common sense and generally promotes so much dysfunction in other people lives & their FAMILIES!
Let start at the beginning here. You want your husband to "do the research to find an orthodontist" for your daughter & then to take her to & from the appointments. first why not just ask the dentist she was seeing for him to recommend 2 or 3 of them & then decide from there? Who picks a doctor by doing research and especially when we're starting out in the office of a doctor who recommending you see a specialist? If my OB/GYN was to be sending me to a fertility specialist the first question out of my mouth would be "who do you recommend?"
moving on and back to you asking your husband to do this for you I have to say that while you feel you have to nag or that he is some how just not taking responsibility or throwing all the responsibility on you YOU are playing a HUGE part in this too and I don't mean in a passive aggressive way. You say you are the household organizer and that this was natural because you were at home and had a more flexible schedule & yet YOU put this chore on your husband and admittedly he "agreed reluctantly". As weeks pass and he hasn't made calls that need to be made you then start to JUMP on him. and in a confrontation you are *talking over him* while he is trying to talk to you. He has TOLD you how this makes him feel & yet you dismiss this! He specifically tells you "You know it's hard for me to make calls from work". DO YOU KNOW THIS? WHY GIVE him the chore of phone calls from work when you know this is a difficult thing for him to do? you took on the roll of household organizer and in that position you don't give out the chores you know are so difficult. You'd be capable of digging under the house to pull out the dead cat too but he does it anyway because he knows *how HARD THIS would be for you to do* & now do you give him this same consideration? If he insisted on you going after said dead cat & you were under the house tossing your cookies & he was there yaking it up because he always has to do the gross jobs you'd be saying how insensitive he is! In reality it's a matter of consideration and being able to think BEYOND YOURSELF. It is very natural to feel over whelmed with all the demands of today & the woman who you thought would give you a good feminist version of why your husband is wrong & it's because he's a man tried to tell you this very thing. You're an over whelmed adult woman as is normal and because you feel things aren't in your control you look to blame your husband for things that are out of his control as well! You're not acting as a "team player" with him or a partner but (as HE HAS TRIED to tell you) a BOSS &HE is the EMPLOYEE. You feel you're nagging & your husband is yessing you to death & then just not doing what he promises but when he speaks do you listen to him ever?! The fact is that when you go away & come back you can see he took care of the dish washer & the chores you normally nag him to do, but perhaps he actually got to do it in his own time & his own way! He didn't have the boss standing over him barking orders! You seem to feel this is the onlyplace that you and your husband have a problem and it's not all the time but when you have to nag? I hate to disagree but this problem goes WAY BEYOND that. There is such a HUGE lack of respect on YOUR part it's not even funny. If I EVER read something written by my husband where he's accusing me of trying to "get off the hook" from taking responsibility I'd be crushed! Imagine how your husband must feel to read all of the negative emotions & opinions you have toward him & about him? This is MUCH more than you only having a problem when you nag. You & he are suppose to be partners & help mates to each other. My husbands opinion of me is a LOT more important to me than anyone else because I respect him & his thoughts! I VALUE what he thinks & so if he's basically telling me I'm a slouch I'd feel horrible! Is that your intention & your way of lifting up your life's partner? You have quoted all these negative STEROTYPES about men & mention all these negative things about men & since your husband IS a MAN don't you think this may make him feel you see him in that same kind of negative light? Don't you think this maybe painful for him to see that you see him like that? And then you think he should just grown up & take some of the responsibility from your over burned shoulders? You poor baby. At one point you say "people would sometimes gush about how "lucky" I was to have found a man who was an equal partner in domestic tasks, a compliment that I almost always found irritating. Was I really supposed to be grateful to my husband for doing his fair share? I couldn't imagine any other kind of relationship for myself." How sad that people telling you you're lucky because you found a guy who is such a great husband is something that IRRITATES you! They didn't say that you should be grateful to HIM for the things he does they are saying you should be grateful you FOUND him! You could have found some guy who pretended to be like your husband & then turned into something entirely different later on after you were married with kids & that would be UNLUCKY! How SAD that you're not even grateful for having found him. And apparently you're not hearing him when he's trying to talk to you & communicate. Like hen he's telling you that you set him up to fail "Sometimes you ask me to do things I can't do at that moment, then you keep asking as if I have no intention of doing it,' he says " I believe this would fit in with you asking him to "research orthodontist" when he says you know how hard it is for him to make phone calls from work?! Why ask for THAT chore then? And then when he doesn't do it in your time frame you start to nag & make the implication that he's a slacker of some kind or that he's just uninterested? "I reasoned, he'd even get enthused about handling it". This implies he was not enthused or that he is uninterested! Perhaps just like YOU he too is feeling over whelmed with life's responsibilities but you'd have to knowledge that he HAS them! If he is at a job outside the house I'm sure it comes with bosses etc. and then his schedule as you know is not as flexible as yours. You would have to be really communicating with the PARTNER and really hearing him instead of trying to get him to do something that is so difficult. You said "I reasoned" You reasoned with whom, Yourself? It sounded as though you'd twisted his arm to get him to do this research if he "reluctantly agreed". And do you hear him at all when he says he doesn't feel valued? You said "He also protests that I don't give him credit for all the work he does do around the house without my prompting, such as the yard work, home repairs, and all the cooking, including making the kids' school lunches" So he feels you're setting him up to do things you KNOW are really difficult to do so you can criticize him & you don't give him credit for the things he does without prompting. That is him telling you he doesn't feel valued. With all the negative things you've said & implied in your essay I can see why he feels the way he does. I'm sure you didn't see it like that when your wrote it and frankly I don't think you stop to think of the way anyone is going to feel or how they are going to take what you've written publicly. I am imploring to stop public writing *right now* because the things you say are so hurtful & will have so many horrible consequenses for so many people it isn't even funny. I mean imagine how your daughter Emily will feel some day when she reads this "I don't remember exactly when this dynamic developed in our marriage, but I am pretty sure it was after we had Emily. Perhaps I'm romanticizing our pre-children marriage years, but I remember us as having one of those effortlessly egalitarian relationships," So basicallyyou have a great relationship until she was born? how do you think this will make her feel & it's in black & white for the WHOLE WORLD to see!? I implore you to just stop speaking at all & get yourself into therapy asap.
"If you do this I'll do that" is also known as "a tit for tat" & it's just a sure fire way of screwing things up in a marriage. Much better to just try talking things out with an adult partner. You want to talk *to them* & not at them. A husband is an adult partner not a child. There is no reason to nag and there's no reason to just react in a negative manner either. Negative begets negative & positive a positive. Rather than nag or or look to ways of getting even with a spouse you just need to continually communicate with them and figure out *together* how to handle certain things.
With that said I think we also need to realize that we're also all human and some times even with our best efforts we fall behind in schedules and some things just don't get done in the time frame we want or planned. To be constantly reminded by a spouse that they've fallen behind or aren't pulling their weight well enough to me would be the opposite of what a life partner is there for. My husband & I are here to build each other up not tear each other down.
sometimes it's just best to keep our mouths shut and move along with the flow.
partypat