“The worst is when someone tells you ‘it will work out.’ How in the world do they know it is going to work out?”

“Someone actually told me it happened for a reason.”

“I just can’t go to this birthday party.”

These are the words of three women who each battled challenges when trying to start a family. One suffered through infertility. Another had a stillbirth more than halfway through her pregnancy. The last one experienced multiple miscarriages.

We know what to say when a friend or family member announces she’s expecting. But how do we support our loved ones when, despite their most heartfelt efforts, they aren’t? Here, experts offer advice.

Learn.

Finding out more about infertility and pregnancy loss will help you better understand what your loved one is experiencing. “There is no way, unless you have been through infertility, that you are going to get it,” says Alice Domar, PhD, executive director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health at Boston IVF and author of “Be Happy Without Being Perfect.” “Get educated about the process that your loved one is going through. Resolve.org has a lot of compassionate, accurate information.” Other useful websites for up-to-date and detailed information about infertility and reproduction are www.asrm.org (American Society for Reproductive Medicine), www.ihr.com (Infertility Resources) and www.fertilityneighborhood.org. Being educated helps loved ones resist the urge to sugarcoat the experience or dispense advice. “With all honesty, the news media often tell too many good stories that make you think everybody gets pregnant at 46,” says Domar. If all that you know about infertility is from the feel-good stories on morning television, being educated about it from medical sources provides valuable perspective in understanding the scope of what your loved one is facing.

Ditch the clichés and engage.

There is a time and a place for platitudes. This is not it. “There is a real desire, out of love, to tell the person that it will all be OK. It’s what you want, but you don’t know that [things will be OK],” says Peggy Orenstein, an award-winning author whose memoir “Waiting for Daisy” details her experience with infertility. “It’s OK to tell the person that you don’t know what to say and that you are just feeling really sad and you want to support them, be there to talk about it, cry about it, or distract them if that’s what they want.” Domar agrees: “The best thing you can say is, ‘I know this is a really difficult time in your life. I am always available to listen. I may not know the right questions to ask, but you need to guide me in terms of what you need. When you want to talk, we’ll talk. When you want me to take you out for a hot fudge sundae, you’ve got to let me know.’”

Shelve your horror stories.

Now isn’t the time to commiserate, either. Orenstein was horrified when a friend who miscarried was told, “Well, at least you have other children.” Domar says: “Everyone’s loss is unique and tragic for them. You have to understand there is no way to compare one person’s tragedy with another.” Orenstein, who battled both cancer and infertility, is familiar with the tendency people have to one-up in situations like this. “When you are undergoing any kind of difficulty, there seems to be a need to tell people how much worse it can be. It is really better to keep stories of other people to yourself and just focus on the person in front of you.”

Hang up the telephone.

You might be tempted to share the sad news, but don’t — unless your loved one has expressly asked you to do so. Allow your friend time to decide whom she would like to tell and how.

Extend grace.

Of course, you want to include your loved one in all of your celebrations, but you also want to be sensitive to the fact that it might be hard for her to be around children or pregnant women right now. Orenstein tells her loved ones in this situation, “I am going to invite you to my house, and I will also 100 percent totally give you permission to say no, and I will not take it in any way personally or feel bad. I want to extend the invitation because it should be your decision and not mine to make.” And if you get pregnant while a loved one is still struggling with infertility, Domar suggests a gentle approach in delivering the news. “The worst way is to make an announcement to a bunch of people, including the infertile couple, such as at a family gathering,” she says. Domar also cautions against not telling the infertile couple (they will inevitably find out and feel ostracized). “Most infertile women want to receive the news in private, and, ideally, in a setting where they don't have to pretend to be happy about the news. Leaving a phone message, at a time when you know she won’t be home, is often good. And the message can be something to the effect of ‘I wanted you to hear from me directly that I am pregnant. I know that this news might be difficult for you to hear, and I need you to tell me how I can best support you. If you don’t want to see me or hear from me for the next nine months, I understand. But I will take the cues from you. I love you and want to support you in any way I can.’”