Q: I've been trying to have a baby for two years, but can't get pregnant. Yet I'm invited to baby showers all the time and I really hate going. What can I do to make the experience more bearable? —Jennifer, Salt Lake City

A: I am sure there is a part of you that wants to celebrate with your expecting friends and family members, although it is also perfectly natural that their baby showers are a painful reminder of your own struggles to get pregnant. Since we cannot control our emotions, the only way for you to feel better is to not let your emotions control you. Of course, this is easier said than done — but I do have a few tips that I hope will help you.

For starters, give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, jealous and any other emotion you might be experiencing. Trying not to feel an emotion only keeps you more focused on it and can engage you in a struggle with yourself. Remember that it's only natural to have these feelings, so try to be as compassionate with yourself as possible. It probably won't be easy for you, but you do not have to feel upbeat to attend someone's shower. You can just be there.

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It also will help if you pay close attention to how your negative emotions come and go — you'll notice that they don't stay at the same intense level all the time. So even if some moments of a baby shower feel unbearable for you, there may be others that are more neutral or even enjoyable. If you can, try to focus on those positive moments. Those are likely to be the most meaningful moments anyway — the ones centered on love and friendship. You will most likely find that you can feel negative and positive emotions at the same time.

Lastly, although it will be difficult, watch out for your own negative thoughts. These thoughts, such as "This will never be me," are probably not accurate and will only exacerbate your pain. A simple way to respond to and challenge your negative thoughts is by considering the advice you would give a friend having these same thoughts. We usually find it easier to be optimistic and to see another perspective with others' thoughts than with our own. I know there are no easy solutions, but I hope you can find comfort in the recognition that difficulties do pass. I sincerely hope that you are able to have a baby of your own in the near future.

Rene D. Zweig, PhD, is a certified cognitive therapist and a clinical psychologist at the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy. Learn more about her here.

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