Q: My husband died suddenly a year ago and I'm still distraught. I cry every day and don't find joy in the things I used to. What's the "average" amount of time it takes to mourn someone's death? Is it abnormal that I'm still struggling?
-Ruth, Sewanee, TN

A: First off, I am sorry for your loss. Your overwhelming feelings of sadness are certainly understandable. The death of one's spouse is the single most stressful life event a person can experience. With the passing of your husband, you are essentially forced to develop a new identity, including a new view of yourself, your relationships and your future. This is especially difficult when the loss is sudden, as it was for you.

Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. As you grieve, you may go through some or all of the following stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You may find that you go back and forth through these stages before getting to acceptance. Acceptance is when you feel as though you've mourned enough, you've developed an identity where your husband is now a part of your past, and you feel ready to look forward. Your sadness, crying and loss of interest in activities all fit with the depression stage, where it sounds like you have been for quite a while now.

To lift your depressed feelings and move into acceptance, it may help to push yourself to re-engage in formerly enjoyable activities. People often need to make a concerted effort to get involved in things again in spite of their low interest, finding that the pleasure returns with some time and persistence. Socializing, exercise, volunteering, cultural events and former hobbies are all good places to start. These will help you to generate positive support, social interactions and opportunities for pleasure, all of which are central to feeling better and redeveloping your identity. These endeavors will also help change any negative beliefs you developed since your husband's death, such as "My life will always feel empty." Since you are still experiencing significant distress more than a year after your husband's death, you may need extra support to cope with your grief and to redevelop your identity. A cognitive therapist (academyofct.org) may be helpful.

Rene D. Zweig, PhD, is a certified cognitive therapist and a clinical psychologist at the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy. To meet our other health experts, click here.

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